Kickstarter Employee Writes Epic Missed Connection For Leighton Meester

A lovesick start-up employee posted a missed connection on Craigslist yesterday that describes in great detail the life he wishes to have with Gossip Girl star Leighton Meester. It’s the kind of semi-jokey proposal that you get the sense is secretly dead serious. See if you agree.

The text is as follows:

You are the beautiful brunette star of the popular CW series, “Gossip Girl.” I just got a poor haircut and work at an internet startup. Our lives intersected this morning on Rivington Street, as you prepared to act out a scene in front of ABC No Rio. Cameramen, handlers, producers, directors and also that one blonde-haired girl who is your fellow actor surrounded you, yet in the midst of all of that, you and I had time for a moment that I will never forget.

I was staring at you from a soot-covered window. To my surprise, you looked up at me and our eyes locked. I was terrified but instantly lovestruck. I stood my ground and waved to you. You waved back! For a moment, I saw the woman behind the character, not an entitled rich girl who hides her insecurities from the world, but a lovely, intelligent actress who has found so much success in life and manages to retain what made her so amazing in the first place.

I would have called out but that window hasn’t been replaced in decades, possibly more than ten and I can’t open it. I even tried after you left!

Here’s why I’m writing this letter: we’re missing out on a lifetime of memories.

The first date, after you first read the words I’m writing and think to yourself, “It’s adorable how slightly pathetic but earnest and cute this guy is. I’ve just dated one too many jerks from Hollywood, and this guy is just super earnest and romantic.” You give me your number and I nervously call you for the first time. My voice is shaky, and the call is dropped halfway through our banter. I ask you out on a date to a Mamoun’s Falafel. You think it’s charming how unfamiliar I am with the world of celebrity dating, and I find your down-to-earth personality and stunning beauty irresistible.

Our first kiss, after I mistake overgrown weeds on the wall by the school on Essex Street for a sprig of Mistletoe. The next week, I enter the whirlwind of your life, one day on the French Riviera, the next herding back paparazzi, and later, taking a backseat to let your inner radiance shine in front of the cameras because I know that nothing can come between us.

In the years that pass, our love deepens and we become more comfortable, watching each new episode of Gossip Girl with all of its labyrinthine twists and turns over a bowl of artisanal popcorn. As usual, Monday TV nights are a hallowed tradition spent at home, but we never fail to keep the relationship exciting. As you live out the life of the heiress of a fashion icon onscreen, your real life becomes more fulfilling and meaningful in ways that neither of us imagined.

We have children, they have children, and the show continues (Season 56, in which Lonely Boy becomes an emeritus professor of literature, and you reveal a decades-long affair with Jenny’s illegitimate son Walter is particularly engrossing). Yet your costars never quite manage to find what we have, and while they are happy for you, they are also sad that life didn’t have this in store for them.

I grow old, and begin wearing my trousers rolled (just kidding, I work on the LES, been doing that for yeears). We start an artist’s colony for actors and musicians (I’m a composer in my spare time, one of the things that initially endeared you to me), and live out the rest of our years happily until old age gives way to eternity, and time reclaims our bodies.

What are you doing tomorrow night? I thought you’d say that. What about Saturday night? Listen, my schedule is probably a bit more open than yours, so you tell me what works for you.

Send me a picture so I can be sure that it’s you.

xoxo,
Boy, Not-So-Lonely Anymore

My favorite parts are the part where he sort of disses Blake Lively to prove he only has eyes for Leighton, the part where he thinks Leighton will pick up on a reference to T.S Eliot, and the part where he thinks Dan Humphrey could hack it as a professor. Also, the part where he thinks that Mamoun’s has good falafel. Okay, my favorite part is all of it. He’s obviously mostly joking, but doesn’t it seem like he’s kind of leaving the door open just in case Leighton Meester might want to take him up on his offer? A truly satirical piece would be meaner (either to himself, or her) and funnier.

The Village Voice claims to know for a fact that the guy works at Kickstarter. Doesn’t he know you have to be in the armed forces or afflicted with cancer in order to publicly embarrass a celebrity into going on a date with you?

Then again, I can certainly see the appeal of holding out for a relationship with Leighton Meester, if only to get to say “hello, Mr. Meester!” when you meet her dad.

(Via Runnin’ Scared)

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