What with all the big names who’ve been releasing big budget music videos lately (Rihanna, Gaga, Pregnoncé), it seems only natural that Katy Perry would want to keep her face in the game for the sixth(!) single off her
toxic collection of ear poison latest album Teenage Dream. And, as the video for “Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)” was pretty much the most insanely campy music video ever made, what with its cameos from Rebecca Black, Debbie Gibson, Corey Feldman and even Kenny G, it stands to reason that she’d try a different route for her follow-up: heart-wrenching drama!
In this fake biopic of Katy Perry (which stars Katy Perry as Zooey Deschanel as Katy Perry, naturally), Old Lady Katy putters around her fancy house reminiscing about (you guessed it) The One That Got Away. (I’m guessing her old husband represents old Russell Brand, in which case: ouch.) But before we discuss the utter better-than-Russell-Brand-ness of male co-star Diego Luna, can we talk about the video’s time frame? If we are to believe Old Lady Katy is looking back on actual Katy’s teen years (during which Radiohead and retro eighties styles were popular), and is now like, ninety, this is the 2070′s we’re dealing with. I refuse to believe a rich old lady in 2070 wouldn’t have a cooler-looking way to make coffee. It’s those little details that count, guys.
Anyway, Diego Luna is totally hot in the role of “tortured artist/musician boyfriend who inexplicably loves a mainstream pop singer, then dies,” so I’m willing to overlook these small failings. I’m even willing to overlook the song, which I can only listen to about thirty seconds of before I start reaching for my Tupperware of pills. (It’s okay, it’s Friday.) But, with the speakers turned off, all that’s left is Diego and Katy rolling around in their bohemian sex cave, which is…agreeable enough. Oh look, she painted a mustache on herself! What a charming Manic Pixie Dream Girl you are, Katy Perry. Now please stop blocking my view of Diego.
But theirs is a love that burns too brightly to be long for this cruel, cruel world, and so they fight. Zooey Perry ruins the painting he’s been working on, so he drives off in a huff…to his death. And just in case you weren’t crying yet, the Johnny Cash song in the end really attempts to twist the knife. Personally, the only tears I’m crying now are the rage kind, over the fact that someone signed off on putting poor, dead Johnny Cash’s music in a Katy Perry video. For shame.