Dear Kevin Jonas,
I already used up my “we need to talk about Kevin” joke earlier in the week, but I still think it’s worth you and me having a heart-to-heart on today, your 24th birthday. I know that you get a lot of shit for being “the ugly Jonas” or “the lame Jonas,” but I want you to know that we at Crushable still value you.
You’re the oldest JoBro, and that’s got to be tough. I know what you’re going through, because I’m the oldest in my group of cousins. Sometimes you feel like the wet blanket because you’re more concerned with adult things like making a living, instead of just having your own Disney show or dating starlets (That was Joe‘s gig.) Plus Nick has that sexy diabetes thing going on, and that’s tough to upstage.
That famous Barbara Walters video didn’t help matters, unfortunately. (Start around 4:40.) I know you’ve probably seen it hundreds of times, but I’m going to repeat it here. When she asks you guys to describe each other, you say that Joe is the rockstar… Joe says that Nick is the President… and Nick says, “Kevin’s really… enthusiastic.” Then you make a face that looks like this:
It’s on you, Kevin. Stop being such a sad sack! Own your awkwardness! But even more, realize that even if you’re the third-place Jonas, you’re still part of history. You were a central member of the group that ushered in the new generation of young stars that preteens revere the way their (grand)parents did the Beatles. The Jonas Brothers were the predecessors for Justin Bieber: Sweet boys who played the Disney game and rocked out even as the media questioned their virginity.
And against all those odds, you were voted one of People’s Sexiest Men Alive in 2008. George Clooney was probably somewhere in that list, since he’s on every year’s list. And your inclusion was not ironic! Awkward guys are hot now. Just look at Jesse Eisenberg. You’re in good company, man.
Sure, you don’t make the best choices re: your image. You got married at an appallingly young age and gave that embarrassing quote about not knowing what to do on your wedding night. But you get to have sex now, man—anytime you want. (Sure, Nick and Joe have probably also ditched their purity rings and are plowing through groupies at every concert… but you get to have love and sex with the same woman. Yay?)
I love you, like a lot. There’s so much to love, I don’t see why people hate you. It’s just not right. It’s not fair. You’re a beautiful person, inside and out. Dani’s an incredibly lucky girl to have such a fantastic guy as you. You’re the definition of sweet. You always put others before yourself. You’re a PHENOMENAL guitar player. You’re genuine, which is hard to come by these days. And that’s just skimming the sur