Fan Fiction: Gwyneth Paltrow’s Makeup Tips For GOOP Readers

My very favorite publication, Gwyneth Paltrow‘s GOOP, arrived in my inbox today — and this week’s tips are all about recreating GP’s flawless makeup. Here’s the article, reprinted for your edification and enjoyment:

Before you start: Skin prep
There are many glorious reasons I chose to have children, and one of them was gaining access to my own placenta. The restorative powers of the placenta on the human face cannot be overemphasized – I have a little joke that the placenta is the skin cell’s five-star Michelin meal. Haha! Oh, humor.

I prefer to mix my placenta with a dab of moisturizer and little bit of organic foie gras. When it comes to exfoliating, I like to use the underside of a hedgehog. It’s difficult to be 100% certain that my skincare regimen has been done to completion, so I like to evaluate the glow of my skin based on a continuum of diamonds I keep in the medicine cabinet. If my skin lets off the same amount of shine as a four-carat or five-carat diamond (on really great days, a six, but that’s being ambitious!), I know it’s time to move on to the next step.

Step 1: Foundation
When looking for the right foundation, it’s important to match the product not the color of your face, but the colour of your bloodline. Once you’ve found the perfect hue, dab a bit onto your T-zone and blend in perfect concentric circles. Your fingers should feel like they’re ballroom dancing.

Step 2: Eyeliner
I love liquid eyeliner – the best way to apply it is to pour a bit onto the hand and use a brush to draw horizontally along the upper lash line. For special occasions, I usually hire my dear friend, the artist Takashi Murakami to paint my eyeliner on for me.

Step 3: Eye shadow
Here’s a little secret I picked up from my travels around London and other, more ethnic foreign places. Instead of traditional shadows, I use the beautifully-colored spices of the East. Cardamom, black cumin and avant-garde mustard seed will ensure that your makeup is truly one-of-a-kind. I usually passing this tip along to my makeup artist for sad scenes in films. Nothing draws authentic tears quite like a dab of turmeric on the eyelids.

Step 4: Curl the lashes
I find that a perfectly curled lash really wakes up and softens the face. Curling your eyelashes can be a rather long process, but I’m a busy career woman and can’t justify spending more than 45 minutes on this step. To speed up the process, I use a platinum curling tool that was passed down from my mother. It was created by the minimalist sculptor Donald Judd, and – here’s the big secret! – was never actually intended to be an eyelash curler in the first place.

Step 5: Blush
I could recommend my favorite kids of cream and powder blushes. I could tell you how to apply them in a way that maximizes the cheek’s potential. I could emphasize the importance of blending and shading. However, if you eat the right balance of organic raw fruits and vegetables, your skin will be naturally rosy and you won’t need blush at all.

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