Gallery: Who Should Zooey Deschanel Date Next?

He could leave his wife for her, and they could have a semi-scandalous June Carter/Johnny Cash thing going on.

Zooey's acting is the cinematic equivalent of Coldplay's music, so it would make perfect sense. And becoming BFFs with Gwyneth never hurt anyone's career.

Her sister's husband is an executive producer on It's Always Sunny, so maybe they could meet that way. Think of all the babbling and gesturing they would do at each other!

This guy is such a stoner, he might not even be able to tell the difference between her and his ex, Katy Perry. Until he finds moonbeams and dewdrops in her vagina, I mean.

A hott lesbian relationship with her co-star on New Girl would certainly appeal to her new friend, the frat boy demographic.

They are both similarly hollow collections of signifiers, albeit from different ends of the spectrum. They both have a lot of "haters." And they're about equally threatening, at this point. Disneyland horrorcore goes great with ukuleles!

Zooey's love of kittens is well-documented. She just needs to remember to avoid the ones who are not amused by her antics.

They can skip off to happy twee la la land and hang out with rainbows and puppies and we'll never have to hear from her again.