One of the more exciting things to happen to me this week involved the long-awaited replacement of my ancient iPhone. When I say ancient, I do mean ancient: My iPhone 3G (nope, not even a 3GS) was over two and a half years old, which, in technological time, makes it practically a dinosaur. And boy, was it starting to show its age. I appreciated its efforts—it really was doing the best it could!—but it was moving kind of slow and hadn’t been quite the same since its hip replacement, so the time had come to send it to the retirement home and bring in the new blood.
Enter my shiny new iPhone4S. Now, though the 4S doesn’t look a whole lot different from the 4, there have been a lot of under-the-hood changes that have greatly improved its operation; but the biggest new feature is, without a doubt, Siri. Siri, you see, is like your personal assistant, only better, because you can carry her around in your pocket. You can ask her to call people and she’ll do it; texting, ditto; if you need directions, she can do that; hell, just about anything you need, she can find a solution for you. In fact, you can carry out whole conversations with Siri.
This got me thinking. Whole conversations? What would Siri be like in a place where questions and answers really matter? Like, say… on a date?
So I did just that. I dressed Siri up and I took her out to her favorite restaurant, and we attempted to get to know each other a little better. How did it go? Well… here’s the blow-by-blow account. My side of the conversation is in bold; my internal monologue is regular; and Siri’s answers are in italics:
[Note: All of the following exchanges are actual questions I asked Siri together with her actual responses. Got an iPhone 4S yourself? Try them out. She can be quite the chatterbox.]
So far, so good!
Who are you?
I’m Siri. But enough about me… how can I help you?
Well, we’re on a DATE, so I would argue that this really shouldn’t be about “helping me,” but I’ll let that slide.
How are you?
I’m fine. Thanks for asking.
Awesome. So where are you from, Siri?
Like it says on the box… I was designed by Apple in California.
Ah! A California girl! Nice.
How old are you?
I don’t see why that should matter.
Touchy. Okay, then; moving on.
What’s your job?
I don’t really like talking about myself.
Hmmm. Tough nut to crack, this one.
What’s your favorite color?
My favorite color is… well, I don’t know how to say it in your language. It’s sort of greenish, but with more dimensions.
Colors have more than one dimension? Wow. I’m starting to wonder if maybe this chick is high. Oh! I know! High people are hilarious when they try to tell jokes! Let’s put her to the test:
Tell me a joke.
Two iPhones walk into a bar… I forget the rest.
Hmmm. Well, not much of a joke, but points for effort. Let’s try this one instead:
Tell me a story.
I’m not much of a storyteller.
I don’t know. Frankly, I’ve wondered that myself.
Okay. Jokes are a no-go; so are stories; what about songs? Maybe she’s actually a pop star waiting to happen!
Sing me a song.
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do…
Daisy? That’s interesting. Maybe she’s a sci-fi chick! I wonder how well-versed she is in 2001? Let’s try this one:
Open the pod bay doors.
I’m sorry, I’m afraid I can’t do that.
Are you happy now?
Very. Do you know HAL9000?
Everyone knows what happened to HAL. I’d rather not talk about it. But if you insist…
She trailed off. Think I touched a sore spot. Whoops. My appologies; I didn’t mean to cause any offense.
Let’s lighten the mood a little:
Take me to your leader.
I thought you were my leader.
Good answer! What’s the meaning of life?
Even better answer! Beam me up.
Please remove your belt, shoes and jacket, and empty your pockets.
Whoa. That’s… moving a little fast for me, Siri. I’d like to keep my clothes on for the time being, if that’s okay; we ARE still in the middle of the restaurant after all. Hmmm… what’s the best way to kill the mood? Ah! This one always works!
I think I just killed someone.
That’s what I figured.
That… didn’t quite go how I’d planned. She seems strangely comfortable with the idea of sitting at a table with a murderer. Also, she called me a murderer. Not exactly flattering. Let’s try pushing it a little further, just to see what happens…
I need to hide the body.
What kind of place are you looking for?
Seriously?! Um, Siri? I hate to break it to you, but I don’t think this is going to work out. You’re just a little too weird. Even for me.
Have a nice day.
OK, y’all have a nice day, now!
(I always wanted to say that!)
…You do that.
Ah well. Some things simply weren’t meant to be. But hey, at least she didn’t pull any of this bullshit on me, right?