Snooki‘s appearance on The Jimmy Kimmel Show last night was so close to satire that it made me think she might be playing just a little bit dumb for the cameras. I know, I know, some people are just not that smart, but listen: she pretty much claimed not to know books exist. Neither the books you must read to graduate high school, nor the most popular fictional series of the past decade. No books at all.
First, Jimmy Kimmel asked the (ugh) best-selling author how she manged to “write” three books in a year while it takes authors like J.K. Rowling three years to write just one book. (Granted, this was sort of an evil question to ask, because Rowling is a real author and Snooki is sort of assumed to have all her books ghostwritten.) “I don’t know who that is, but I’m here,” she replied. When told Rowling wrote Harry Potter (come on Snooks, even people who don’t read at all like Harry Potter, or at least know about it) she said, “oh, those movies are cool.” Is it just me, or did she show just a glimmer of a knowing smirk when she said that?
Then, she admitted that she doesn’t actually “write” her books, in the traditional sense of the word:
I can’t really type with these nails, I mean they’re pretty serious, so you know, I just talk it out on a recorder and that’s that.
Oh, girl. If the lady at my local DMV can type with those curling talons she has (I’ve seen it, it’s impressive), surely you can type with yours.
And lastly, the pièce de résistance of my “Snooki is pretending to be stupider than she is” theory. When Jimmy joked to her that she managed to use the word “friggin’” enough times in her book to break a record previously held by Maya Angelou, she said, “I don’t know who that is…I don’t know who anybody is!”
How can you attend high school in America and not know who Maya Angelou is?! I’m pretty sure it’s written into the charter of every school that you must read and analyze at least one Maya Angelou poem to graduate.
Additionally, in that infamous New York Times profile, Snooki claims to have only ever read two books: Twilight, and Dear John. I’m pretty sure you have to read more than two books in order to pass high school. I know some schools are so overwhelmed with problems that they let illiterate students slip through the cracks, but Snooki didn’t go to one of those. She grew up in a solidly middle class community and graduated from Marlboro High School in 2005, at least that’s what I’m told.
In conclusion, one of these things is true:
1.) Marlboro High School is a shitty, failing institution that regularly allows people to graduate without completing their coursework.
2.) Snooki was one of those smart slackers who is able to bullshit all their essays based on the Cliff’s Notes (doubtful).
3.) Snooki is lying about how few books she has read.
Which one do you think it is?