• Tue, Oct 25 2011

The 30-Year-Old Man’s Guide To Gossip Girl: The Two Finger Rule

I wrote last week about my love of Gossip Girl episode titles and the respect I have for whoever thinks them up, but this week’s title has me stumped. “The Two Finger Rule”?  Trusty Google gave me three possible answers:

a)     A way to create a visual reference when lining up a pool shot.

b)    Sound advice for preventing back injuries (If it’s too heavy to lift with two fingers on both hands, get help).

Or

c)     In plastic surgery, the idea that pulling your face back with two fingers does not give a patient an accurate preview of a facelift’s results.

These are all great and useful rules, especially the third, but I don’t understand how any relate to events in episode five. I could make something up, but I’ll spare you that. This isn’t a college English class, after all.

It’s appropriate (and planned, I’m sure) that this episode took place on Yom Kippur, the Judaic High Holy Day of atonement and repentance. After behaving terribly for the last few episodes, Serena handled most of the atonement and repentance, apologizing to Blair for neglecting their friendship, and making amends with Dan for her actions in her quest to option his novel. Rufus also realized it was time to forgive Dan after witnessing Blair’s mother support her daughter as she defied Louis’ overbearing family. I’d argue that Dan’s the one who needs to do the forgiving in this situation, but what do I know?

Manipulation was also one of this week’s major themes. Charlie/Ivy took advantage of her relationship with Lilly to gain access to the Bass family secrets, Beatrice used Loius’ love for Blair in an attempt to force him from the line of succession, and Elizabeth Hurley revealed she’ll go to any length to obtain a twenty-year old (she’d say ten-year-old) picture of herself from a wall safe. Other observations:

  • For the first time, Nate is compared to JFK Jr, and for once I agree with a Gossip Girl characterization. Both Nate and JFK Jr. are intellectual lightweights saddled with high expectation. For Nate’s sake, I hope this is where the similarities end.
  • Do you think Gossip Girl accepts advertising? She’d be a fool not to.  Here’s her pitch: “I deliver thousands of unique daily impressions to the wealthiest residents of New York City, the majority of whom are between the ages of 16-23. I also provide an unprecedented level of brand interactivity that will insert your products into the lives of these high earners.” Damn, Gossip Girl! Hire me; I’ll make you rich! But I guess there’s a good chance you already are.
  • For the first two-thirds of this episode, I thought I was witnessing the return of the old Chuck. He met the unrealistically attractive psychiatrist, decided he wanted her, and used his charm and his money in an attempt to have her.  But once she reduced his existence to a few tired clichés, he folded and decided he needed to be “fixed.” Chuck, my man, there’s nothing wrong with you. Every guy I know would kill to be you. Don’t you dare dismiss that.
  • If Dan’s agent thinks public television is the “last bastion of the intellectual,” she’s obviously not watching Jersey Shore.
  • “If he/she is really your friend,” is the most loaded phrase in the English language. If somebody says these words to you, watch out. They want something.
  •  I love Wallace Shawn and it’s inconceivable that anyone would feel otherwise.  If you didn’t catch that reference, check YouTube immediately and then punch your own face.
  • Serena confirmed that Blair’s pregnancy is three months along. For those keeping track (I’m keeping track), she’s at the end of her first trimester, yet in this episode, her waist looked trimmer than ever. This is either sloppy work by the writers or Blair isn’t actually pregnant. Remember, you read it here first.

 

  • When Nate laments that he and Chuck can’t switch places to solve their respective women problems, Chuck dismisses the idea by saying they’re “not in a Jason Bateman movie.” Ouch! Jason just got brushed off the plate.  I hope he doesn’t charge the mound.
  • Somebody, I can’t remember who it was, maybe Serena’s boss, called Dan F. Scott Fitzjackass. God, I wish I’d thought of that one. Later on, his novel was referred to as “Gatsby for the social media age.”  That makes me want to fight everybody. Seriously, what are you looking at?!
  • Louis’ learned the true identity of Blair’s baby’s father, and calling Chuck’s new psychiatrist makes me believe even more that Chuck is the father. Wait, how would Louis know that Chuck had been seeing that women? Oh, Gossip Girl, you always keep me guessing.

It looks like Gossip Girl is taking a break next week so we can all celebrate the secular High Holy Day that is Halloween, so it’ll be two weeks before we have a new episode.  I’ll spend that time researching two finger rules and realistic expectations for facelifts.  It’s for a friend. I swear.

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