(By an anthropologist)
0:00 – Out specimens are about to leave Italy, and so this is the last we will see of them for a while. Presumably, they will hibernate like wild animals do in the winter.
0:30 – We see our specimen The Situation, who’s not wearing pants and talking about how he’s not wearing pants.
2:00 – Sitch feels alienated. He tries to talk to Snooki, but she goes to bed.
3:00 – Ronnie pulls Sitch aside to have a meaningful conversation. Sitch says he feels like a villain, Ronnie tells him to apologize to everyone. (Diagnosis: Ronnie has been taking night classes in psychology.)
6:00 – Sam, Pauly and Vinnie heat out to work their final shift at the pizzeria. It’s the last job any of them will ever have.
8:00 – Sam and Ron go into the smoosh room to copulate and also smoosh.
8:30 – Pauly makes fun of Ronnie’s longevity.
10:00 – The Situation calls his sister The Situationa on the telephone and tells her he’s not going back to Jersey.
12:00 – JWOWW has a cold. Sad violin music plays.
12:30 – Everyone but JWOWW heads out to a new club that they’ve described as “dope,” which means “awful.”
14:00 – Deena and Snooki leave for another club.
16:00 – Pauly leaves with a girl. Then she falls down, so he leaves without a girl.
18:00 – The specimens go to the pizzeria and they each give Marco a piece of clothing, an Italian tradition harkening back to the Renaissance.
22:00 – Vinny realizes that during all the time they spent in Italy, they never went sightseeing or even outside in the daytime. They decide to take a tour.
23:00 – Deena falls down.
23:30 – Vinny calls to set up a tour. The man on the telephone asks Vinny which he likes better, history or art. He puts it to a poll and the choice is, “tequila.”
26:00 – The specimens go to the Duomo to meet their tour guide. Thirty seconds in they are all unbearably bored.
27:30 – All the women talk about how they would copulate with the Statue of David. (Diagnosis: They all like older men.)
28:30 – Snooki looks at a painting of an cherub. She wonders if babies with wings is a real thing. (Note: is Snooki sterile?)
29:00 – The group tours a church and Sitch pouts In the corner.
31:00 – Now that they’re educated and enlightened, our specimens head to a bar and order fruity cocktails.
32:00 – Sitch apologizes for the mean things he’s done. He buys the women roses.
33:00 – Our specimens go out to the club for what will be the last time for quite a while (the length of a flight home from Italy).
34:00 – Everyone dances at the club. Sitch tries to start a fight with some younger guys. (Diagnosis: mid-life crisis.)
36:30 – The next morning, Sitch makes breakfast, presumably as a way to manipulate everyone.
38:00 — Over breakfast, Situation informs everyone that he will be going to New Jersey, after all.
39:00 – Our specimens toast to leaving Italy returning to their natural habitat of New Jersey.
40:00 – Ronnie describes the house as like a foster home with eight orphans, “We fight , we argue, but in the end everything gets fixed.” (Note: That is not what a foster home is like at all, even a little bit.)
Final note: Goodbye, specimens. You have been fun to watch, but also you have depressed the effing hell out of us. To the laboratory!