Rihanna‘s new video for “We Found Love” is pretty insane for something that will get played a dillion times on MTV. Here are my reactions to it IN REAL TIME.
0:18: Why is Rihanna speaking with a Cockney accent? Are they supposed to be in London?
0:38: HOLY GOD that is an attractive man. Look at those eyes. A girl could drown in them.
0:54: People are saying he looks like Chris Brown, and maybe he does a little, but I’m sorry, Chris Brown is not that hot.
1:00: Skating! Red smoke bombs! Making out! I like where this is going.
1:13: Rihanna has the nicest smile. Reminds me a bit of Mariah Carey in her heyday, only with more computers.
1:15: Is this song just going to be the same annoying melody, over and over again, with an ever more frantic club beat behind it? (UPDATE: Yes.)
1:55: Holy drug montage, Rihanna. I’m guessing some of this is going to get censored out by MTV. Good job being edgy!
2:04: Oh, I get it. Their love is like drugs. Where have I heard that one before? In fairness, I’d probably be addicted to this Dudley character too, if he were my boo. (Only a man who looks like that could pull off the name “Dudley.”)
2:06: Why is she wearing the American flag on her vest? I thought they were supposed to be in England? (I know they filmed it in Ireland, but maybe they used that tried and true film technique, “Ireland for England”?) And what’s the DJ plugging his decks into? They are in a field in the middle of nowhere.
2:21: Okay, their petty shoplifting definitely seems like a reference to looting. They are totes in England.
2:55: Eek, they’re fighting in a car. Do you think it’s hard for Rihanna to watch that part?
3:12: Holy shit that’s a lot of cigarettes at once. DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH, DUDLEY?
3:20: Q: Is it sexy to blow smoke into one another’s mouths? A: Sure, if that smoke is going to get you high and/or you look like that.
3:30: Destruction is projected on Rihanna’s ass. This is meant to symbolize her ass’s DARK SIDE. Like, I know it’s a wonderful ass, but mess with it too hard and you will be demolished quicker than that building.
3:45: You cannot claim Rihanna’s ass as “MINE” you fool. What did I just get done telling you?
3:52: Yay, another wacky drug montage! This shot is awesome:
3:58: And here they are, right back where they began, in the bathtub with their clothes on, just kind of glaring heartbrokenly at one another. You forgot the getting naked part.
4:04: OMG SHE’S PUKING RIBBONS WTF LOL THIS IS SO COOL!
4:15: He’s all drugged up and she’s putting things in a bag and leaving him. Do it, girl!
4:20: Something about the moment he clutches at her ankle and she hits him with her bag is incredibly comical to me. Q: Does that mean I’m dead inside? A: Perhaps.