Propped up by lord knows how many prescription-wielding handlers, Britney Spears, Inc. continues to perform its promotional obligations for Femme Fatale. The video for fourth and final single “Criminal” came out today, and it shows you more of Brit Brit’s new(-ish) boyfriend Jason Trawick than you ever knew you wanted to see!
As it reminds you every other line, the song is a mid-tempo rumination (if Britney can be said to ruminate) on being in love with a criminal. Now, I’m no Britney Spears apologist, but even I can’t help feeling a little bit bad for her when she has to sing the line “and even I know this ain’t smart.” I’m not saying they need to pretend she’s Stephen Hawking, but it seems mean for the people who get paid a ton of money to write her lyrics to rub it in her face like that.
The video opens with a bit of dramatic acting as Britney’s abusive English boyfriend is a jerk to her at a party and she steels herself by robotically spraying perfume on her neck. How will Brit Brit get out of this one? Luckily, bad boy Jason is there to save the day as he rides up on his improbable motorcycle and beats up the evil English guy with hilarious sound effects. Then they make sexy times, of course, and I’m ashamed to admit I find it surprisingly hot despite Jason’s huge, embarrassing tribal tattoos. Then again, nothing Britney invites into her body cavities could ever be as embarrassing as K-Fed or that creepy paparazzi guy, so she has nowhere to go but up.
Jay Jay brings her coffee in the morning and that’s it: she is totes in love with him. Their relationship sealed thusly, they go off to rob a convenience store, which they pull off somewhat poorly. They are on the covers of all the newspapers! They are just like Bonnie and Clyde! The cops are after them, and they have super bullets that can go through walls! Fuck!
I won’t spoil the totally kewl Disney magic ending for you, but you can watch it above. Is it totally messed up that I think Britney and Jason are kind of hot together? It is, isn’t it?
Hotness aside, I feel like they should’ve come up with a different name to avoid reminding people of that way better song/video that was burning up the charts in 1997. I miss you, Fiona Apple. Record ten more albums, please?