Am I Right Ladies? Spanx, But No Spanx

Breathing is the worst, amirightladies? That’s why we have “body shapers,” to ensure that going out on the town means 70% the O2. I’m not saying oxygen makes you fat, but I’m not not saying it. Water isn’t the only natural element that causes bloat. After all, there’s an O in H2O. You do the math. Or the chemistry.

Which brings me to Spanx, the body-shaping enterprise that is helping women stunt circulation all over their otherwise imperfect bodies. Even the name implies corporeal punishment. Spank your body into the shape you want while spanking your respiratory system into submission. Sign me up, amirightladies?

You see, while these elastic corsets primarily function as deep-breathing inhibitors, they also help women hide and tuck their elastic skin. All the sociological and emotional damage of plastic surgery, without having to go under the knife! Is anyone getting on that signing-me-up thing yet?

Spanx are like control-top panties on steroids, and they’ve thought of everything. There’s a product for every part of your body you hate. Now you can stuff every insecurity into a Lycra sausage casing that creates a constant feeling of pressure on the embarrassing area all night while giving the illusion that it has completely disappeared. In other words, Spanx turns every woman into a magician. Okay, I’ll sign myself up. I already have the top hat and cape.

The site even promises that “celebs aren’t the only skinny bitches anymore.” That’s right, Spanx also turns everyday women into bitches! Oh, the nights I’ve spent fantasizing about walking into a party filled with 40 of my closest top-hat-and-cape-wearing girlfriends and shouting, “Let’s get this party started, bitches!” and then woken up with my cat licking my face. Sometimes reality feels like warm sandpaper, amirightladies?

And if one layer of containment isn’t enough, they offer sheer, light-weight options so you can literally wear Spanx to slim down your Spanx. The future is now, girls.

And how can you hate a company that is great at puns? Answer: You can’t. Example: The Bra-lellujah. Kiss the back-fat spillover you didn’t even know you had goodbye. Slim Cognito. Skinny Britches. Trust Your Thin-stincts. Slimplicity. Haute Contour. Ready-to-wear puns. These bitches are good.

The most important thing is to remember skinny is just a state of mind—a state of mind to which all women should aspire. Acceptance is so last never. Today it’s about control, ladies. Specifically, your ability to breathe.

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