(By an anthropologist)
0:00 – Many of our specimens are sick, which is not surprising, because a diet of limoncello, vodka and tears is not particularly great for the immune system.
3:00 – Deena expresses her desire to copulate with Pauly. She does this in the very subtle and sophisticated manner of saying, “I want to fuck you.”
4:00 – Snooki and JWOWW crawl into bed, sick. The other specimens leave for the club.
5:00 – Pauly expresses his desire to select a copulation mate at the club so he can avoid the attentions of Deena.
5:30 – A girl touches Pauly’s hair. He views this as an invitation to ask her to come home with him.
6:00 – The girl declines Pauly’s invitation, via an R.S.V.P. card, in her finest calligraphy.
7:00 –Once more, Deena asks Pauly if he would like to have sex. He declines because he doesn’t want to ruin their friendship. (Translation: Doesn’t find Deena attractive enough to get an erection.)
8:00 – Deena insists to Pauly that she is good at copulation. (Diagnosis: Consistent masturbator.)
11:00 – Deena awakes and begins an early morning discussion about how much she misses penis.
12:00 – Snooki and Deena head out for breakfast. They find a nice cozy café and dance on the counter. (Note: They ruin everything.)
15:00 – Snooki and Deena stumble out of the club totally intoxicated.
15:30 – Back at the house, Snooki and Deena get ready to go out and drink more. Deena borrows a pair of Snooki’s underwear. (Note: Ew.)
16:00 – Our specimens arrive at a huge outdoor club. Snooki and Deena immediately find the nearest table and dance atop it.
17:30 – The Situation walks around the club, preening and puffing out his chest. In response, the crowd insults him, calling him a “piece of shit.” (Italian for “American.”)
18:00 – Sitch yells at the crows. The crowd yells back. Our other male specimens jump into the fray.
22:00 – A riot is about to break out. The Situation yells at the crows some more and threatens to eat them. (Diagnosis: keen survival skills.)
23:00 – Our specimens leave the club. Everyone but Deena and Snooki heads home.
24:00 – Deena and Snooki head to another club. It appears to be a rave of sorts. Men gather around them as they dance.
25:00 – Snooki and Deena head to the bar where they are pelted with ice, thrown by the bartender. Snooki smashes bottles.
26:00 – A bartender lifts the girls up and deposits them outside of the club.
29:00 – Deena comes home screaming about the bartender. She expresses the emotion of anger.
30:00 – Deena and Snooki get into the hot tub. Deena pees in it. (Note: she is wearing Snooki’s underwear.)
31:00 – The sun rises over the beautiful city of Florence. Snooki and Deena are still awake, so they decide to go out again, dressed, in their words, “like hookers.”
32:00 – The girls order drinks at breakfast.
33:00 – The girls fall asleep at breakfast.
33:00 – They return home. Snooki tries to get into bed and falls down onto the ground. (Diagnosis: Snooki is yearning for her primitive roots.)
33:30 – The men try to barbeque. Set the grill on fire. Ronnie sets the grill on fire.
35:00 – JWOWW asks Deena to do the dishes. She refuses. Sitch yells at her and tells her to, “be a woman and do something.”
35:30 – Deena throws a knife at Situation.
41:00 – Jenni and Deena cook a meal together in a rare display of female bonding.
42:00 – The specimens sit down to dinner, in chairs, like civilized humans. They toast to getting back to new Jersey.
43:00 – Our specimens begin to argue about who will take what room in their Jersey house. Sam talks about finding “comprimisation.” (Diagnosis: Sam has picked up Italian!)
44:00 – No one wants to room with Sitch.
44:30 – Sitch says he might not be going back to Jersey, anyway.
49:00 – Vinny confronts Situation and lets him know he either has to change his ways or get out of the house. (Diagnosis: Politics.)
50:00 – The next morning, Sitch gets locked in the bathroom. He manages to escape in time to go out to the club, where he pouts in the corner because nobody likes him. (Note: Congratulations, Situation, on your culmination from fifth grade! Here’s a shot of limoncello.)