• Wed, Oct 12 2011

A Guide For Surviving Human Centipede II

Outside of being Ryan Gosling, there’s nothing sexier than an adventurous personality. So how do you let your date know  you live life on the edge? There was a time when ordering the fatal blowfish sushi was considered dangerous, but we live in a post-Bizarre Foods With Andrew Zimmern world. It’s going to take more than a little risky eating to assert yourself as a thrillseeker. My suggestion? Successfully make it through a screening of Human Centipede II.

But that’s easier said than done. Human Centipede II is exactly as disgusting as you’ve heard, and if you don’t properly prepare yourself, you’re not going to make it. Here’s a step-by-step guide to enduring the most horrifying cinematic experience since, uh, the first Human Centipede, I guess?

1. Desensitize yourself. Watch as many gross-out flicks as you can endure. Bonus points if they feature coprophagy (don’t look that up). My picks: Salo, Pink Flamingos, Human Centipede.

2. Repeat the “it’s only a movie” mantra. Sometimes we get so lost in a film that we lose our sense of reality entirely. It’s kind of fun when we’re watching Real Steel but completely nauseating during Human Centipede II. So! Movie. Actors. Special effects.

3. Speculate on the effects. What goes into making fake movie blood, or viscera, or—you know? How do you train a centipede? Did the actor playing Martin get eyeball implants? Focus on how the magician does it and not on the horrifying finished product.

4. Pay close attention to Ashlynn Yennie’s hygiene discussion. According to Ashlynn, who starred in the first film, all parts of the centipede took showers before each take to avoid butt-smell. Take comfort in that. I know I did.

5. Drink a lot of Diet Coke. No one can fault you for needing to pee if you drink a lot of Diet Coke.

6. Crush some Xanax in your Diet Coke. Only if you’re prescribed Xanax. I’m not advocating taking illicit drugs. Note: you can probably get Xanax prescribed if you tell your doctor you’re going to see Human Centipede II.

7. Think about what you had for dinner last night. It’s not cheating to just disassociate entirely. While Martin carves up his victims, you can relive the giant plate of pasta you used all your Weight Watchers splurge points on. Just don’t think about what the centipede parts have to eat. FEED HER. FEED HER.

8. Stop thinking about what you had for dinner last night. It got weird.

9. Close your eyes behind a pair of dark sunglasses. If all else fails, this is a surefire way to not pass out. And if anyone asks why you’re wearing sunglasses in a movie theater, tell him to mind his own business. Maybe you had your eyes dilated earlier in the day. Maybe you don’t know my life.

10. Pretend you’re Ryan Gosling again. Do you think Ryan Gosling ever gets grossed out by anything? Pssh. He will literally stomp a person’s head to pieces without so much as breaking a sweat. (Remember, Ryan Gosling is every fictional character he plays.)

If you’ve followed all of the above, there’s a good chance you will last all the way through Human Centipede II. Well done, you! Your date now officially sees you as a total bad-ass. The only real downside is that Human Centipede II may be the ultimate cinematic boner-killer. In fact, if your date still wants to have sex after seeing it, ditch him or her at the theater. Sneak into Real Steel—or better yet, another screening of Drive. You’ve earned it.

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  • Jen

    No way. No thank you. Just… no.