Much to no one’s surprise, Courtney Stodden is getting a reality show. And if you know me at all, you know I think about Courtney Stodden more than I think about any other human being. Naturally I’ve spent the past few weeks (months?) speculating on what this series will look like, and I’ve come up with several ideas. (Note to television producers: these are all up for grabs, although an executive producer credit is kind of expected. We’ll be in touch.)
1. Medical Mystery: Courtney Stodden (TLC)
A team of doctors struggle to understand Courtney Stodden’s condition. Her symptoms include rapid aging, slurred speech, and a pathological obsession with alliteration—can the teen bride be cured? Each week, Courtney will be subjected to a series of tests designed to determine the root of her bizarrely bodacious behavior. Results are expected to be inconclusive.
2. Celebrity Rehab: Doug Addiction (VH1)
On Twitter, Courtney revealed her debilitating addiction to Doug. Most assumed she was referring exclusively to her husband Doug Hutchison, but Courtney’s need for Doug goes far beyond that. With Dr. Drew’s help, she will struggle to conquer her compulsion to rent Douglas Fairbanks movies, read Douglas Adams books, watch bootleg DVDs of Nickelodeon’s Doug, and incessantly do “the dougie.”
3. Scared Straight With Courtney Stodden (A&E)
Courtney wants to use her fame for a good cause, which is why she’ll be showing young women the error of their ways. Girls who are on the path to careers in medicine and science will be shown how much more fun it is to write incomprehensible tweets accompanied by salacious bikini pics. At the end of the season, the “scared straight” teens will have to choose between a college education and marrying a fiftysomething actor.
4. Courtney’s Super Sweet 17 (MTV)
Who says 16-year-olds get to have all the fun? Now that she’s 17, Courtney wants the biggest birthday bash any teen bride could hope for. Can the party planner keep up with Courtney’s extravagant and nonsensical requests? Is it legal to dye an entire zoo of animals pink? Lucky party guests will be treated to a live performance of Courtney’s new album. The only gift she requires is attention.
5. Hoarders: Courtney and Doug (A&E)
Surprised that Courtney and Doug are hoarders? Here’s a sample of what Dr. Zasio and the clean-up crew will find over the course of the season: 67 thesauruses, 213 bottles of pink hair dye (for dogs), 48 lip liners, and a staggering 822 copies of The Green Mile signed by Doug. The biggest shock will come when the team finally clears a path to the basement, only to discover five feet of bronzer.