Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian already got married in late August, so we know that they eventually made it down the aisle. But the E! special Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event gives us a unique perspective on the union: We see how much shit the Kardashian/Jenner clan put poor Kris through before the big day.
Despite their constant coverage in tabloids and reality news, you would never know how much the family dislikes Kim’s fiance Kris. They constantly make fun of his height and dopeyness — which isn’t actually the way he talks but fits with the stereotype of a big lug — behind his back. Did you guys ever watch Better with You last season? Kris is cast in the same role as one of the sitcom’s characters: The well-meaning boyfriend whose every joke and overture is misinterpreted. He explains this in one of the confessionals, and you see it in the footage: He tries to join in on the family’s usual ribbing of each other, but the moment he jumps in with a jibe, everyone turns on him as if he genuinely were trying to insult his mother-in-law Kris after her pre-wedding surgery, or what have you.
Kris’ biggest detractor is Khloe, whose main worry is that Kim doesn’t know Kris well enough to share her assets with him. Normally this would be an issue, but we’re talking about the Kardashians; any time there’s an engagement, you have to wonder how much it’s done for the attention. Kim and Kris started dating around December 2010, and got engaged in May 2011. So yeah, that’s definitely shorter than we’d recommend to consider spending your lives together, but Khloe got engaged to Lamar Odom two weeks after they started dating. God forbid Kris point this out, because Khloe gets incredibly defensive.
The rest of the family is similarly apathetic. The most bizarre part was when Kourtney‘s boyfriend/babydaddy Scott Disick stands up for Kris, saying he knows what it’s like to try to get in good with the sisters when they already have a bad view of you. (And you know you’re in trouble when it’s Scott who’s sticking up for you.) But then he turns around and makes fun of Kris behind his back for not owning a polo shirt for their golf game. “Who doesn’t have a polo shirt?” he snarks. “Only someone from Lake Minnetonka.”
It doesn’t help that Kim gets all bridezilla, especially since they decide to plan the wedding in just three months. She snaps at Kris for being late to register for presents with her mom Kris Jenner, but shuts him down when he makes “down home” suggestions for the decor and food. (For what it’s worth, the producers make him look really stupid. I’m charmed by the idea of food trucks at weddings, but when Kris says he wants it to be “like the State Fair, with fresh cookies,” he just sounds like a simpleton.)
To be honest, I didn’t know anything about Kris Humphries until he and Kim got engaged in May. And now I understand why: Compared to these screeching, oversharing women, he’s a quiet guy. When he does try to match their humor, he gets shot down. Then the family accuses him of not trying to get to know them.
And yet, crux of all this is actually centered on Kim, not Kris. Khloe warns Kris that Kim falls in love with everyone: “Her nickname isn’t Elizabeth Taylor just for the diamonds.” Kris, too, points out that unlike his soon-to-be bride, he hasn’t ever been married. It all comes to a head with this fight:
Kim: “I seriously have been planning this dream wedding since I was ten years old.”
Kris: “Yeah, and you can slap any guy into it!”
Honestly, we’re on Kris’ side here! Kim is so used to being a self-sufficient powerhouse that she doesn’t let her man make any decisions about the big day.
Worst of all, that was only part 1. And of course it ended on the cliffhanger of Kris finally telling Kim that Khloe was talking shit about him at the engagement party. The fact that he managed to stay mum about the whole thing for a few days was impressive, but as he says, he wants his and Kim’s marriage to be open. (Not the Ashton/Demi way, just really honest.)
Part 2 airs tonight at 9 p.m. EST on E!, but I can already answer my question of why Kris decided to marry into this clusterfuck of a family: Because he loves Kim, and that’s enough.