(By an anthropologist)
0:00 – Our specimens emerge hungover for the 11th time this week. Deena, Pauly and Ronnie head to the pizzeria for a day of work.
1:00 – Snooki wakes in her pink leopard-print (endangered species) dress from the night before and tries to track down her mate, Jionni, who abandoned her in a fit of rage.
2:00 – Snooki wants to talk to JWOWW, but JWOWW’s asleep. (Diagnosis: adaptive defense mechanism.) So Snooki puts on her furry boots (soon-to-be-extinct species, hopefully) and heads out alone.
3:00 – Snooki finds a cafe where people are eating quiet lunches. She insists that the music be turned up and dances by herself.
4:00 – Deena must clean the toilet at work. She does a good job. It’s very impressive.
5:30 – Snooki returns home. She calls her father and cries.
6:00 – Snooki at Jenni for not getting daytime drunk with her.
7:00 – Snooki proclaims that this is the worst day of her life.
8:00 – Snooki hates herself and needs to change in order to get married. So she changes into a pink leopard print wedding gown.
10:00 – JWOWW offers to track down the missing Jionni. She puts on a fake mustache and calls him on the telephone. He answers. He’s at the train station, heading to Rome.
14:00 – Snooki arrives to meet Jionni. He has already booked a new flight home. However, he tells Snooki he loves her and that he fucked up. But also he’s mad at her for dancing seductively. (Diagnosis: Jet lag?)
15:00 – Snooki’s heart is broken. It leaks pink glitter onto the Italian marble.
19:00 – Finally, our specimens head to the club to refuel with shots of petrol.
19:30 – Deena confides in JWOWW that she thinks she might be pregnant. Her symptoms include: dizziness, emotional behavior, missed period. (Diagnosis: she is pregnant with alcohol and will probably carry it to term.)
20:00 – JWOWW insists that they leave immediately to find a pregnancy test.
21:00 – Now Deena’s sobbing. (Note: A symptom of both pregnancy and drunkenness.)
22:00 – Deena returns home to take the test.
23:00 – The test reveals that Deena is not pregnant. Which is lucky for her but unlucky for the rest of us because a future president could have been born.
24:00 – Snooki calls Jionni. He tells her she’ a pig and generally insults her. She hangs up on him and oinks a couple times.
27:00 – Our specimens revive the Algonquin Round Table for an evening. They all sit around and discuss Jionni. Ronnie says that his first mistake was letting Snooki leave the house in a revealing dress. The females don’t like that Jionni is trying to change Snooki and decide he’s no good for her. Snooki belches and oinks again.
28:00 – Snooki has a brilliant idea. They will recreate their favorite Jersey club, Karma, right there in the living room. They will all dress up and Pauly will DJ. (Diagnosis: An impressive display of creativity. Plays well with others.)
31:00 – The Situation resumes his mating ritual with Snooki. He flaunts his peacock feathers and talks shit about Jionni.
32:00 – The Situation says “I love you” to Snooki. (Note: Does The Situation own a dictionary? Look into it.)
34:00 – The Situation jumps to the next stage of his sophisticated mating ritual, which means he lies and tells Snooki that Ronnie told him to kick Jionni in the head.
35:00 – Snooki yells at Ronnie. She feels like no one has her back. To demonstrate this point, she does a trust fall and nobody catches her.
37:00 – The Situation talks about receiving oral sex from Snooki. It sounds suspiciously like fan fiction written about that very thing.
38:00 – Snooki cuddles with Vinny and Deena with Pauly. Pauly kicks Deena out, but she’s happy because he allowed her to cuddle for five to ten minutes, and also because she still isn’t pregnant.
39:00 – Vinny and Snooki fornicate under the blankets. (Note: Have an intern write this fan fiction.)