An Imagining Of The 30 Phone Calls A Day Spencer Pratt Makes To His Agent

Apparently Spencer Pratt is totally broke. Which is a thing that happens when you’ve never actually had a career or any viable talent. Evidently, Spencer calls his agency 30 times a day and they never call him back — which is actually kind of sad. Aw, man. Here’s my imagining of the messages Spencer leaves for his agent, whom I’ve decided to call “Ian” because a kid I went to college with who’s a WME agent now is named that.

1. “Yo, Ian, it’s your main man Spence. The Spencenator. Six Spence None the Richer. We need to talk business. Gotta make those dollars, yo. Call me back.”

2. “Ian, brother, where you at? Hit me back on my cell, homes.”

3. “Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! Call me back.”

4. “Um, that last message was Spencer Pratt calling for Ian, if that was unclear.”

5. “Spencer Pratt is a client of Ian’s, if that was unclear.”

6. “Hi, it’s Spencer Pratt. I left some messages earlier and I haven’t heard back, so I’m just making sure they went through. Okay, thanks.”

7. “Ian. Spencer. Let’s talk.”

8. “You make me money, I make you money. Kapeesh?”

9. “Hello, this is President Barack Obama calling. Just kidding, it’s Spencer Pratt! Call me back.”

10. “Hey, can I get one pepperoni pizza for delivery? Just kidding, I can’t afford delivery. Call me back?”

11. “Come on, man, this isn’t funny. You’re being a little bitch. Are you around?”

12. “This is Spencer Pratt calling for Ian. Again. Thanks.”

13. “I fucked your mom! Call me back.”

14. “Have you seen Heidi? She’s been missing all day and I’m calling everyone I know.”

15. “Heidi’s still missing and I’m bored. Wanna come over and play Grand Theft Auto?”

16. “Ummmmm. Call me back. Kay.”

17. “Found Heidi! She was sitting on the back porch in the sun and she started to melt and got stuck out there for a while. Thanks for your help!”

18. “Hi, Ian, it’s Spencer. Is everything okay?

19. “Ian, are you mad at me?”

20. (Weeping)

21. “Hi, Ian, it’s Spencer. What the fuck, man? What the fuck, you’re supposed to be my agent. You’re supposed to be working for me. This is bullshit. I can have your head on a platter in a second, man. Don’t think I won’t do it. I’m calling my dad right now.”

22. “Soo, my dad thinks I may have overreacted and he wants me to apologize. Hey man, you need any dental work? It’s on him, okay?”

23. “I’m sorry, by the way.”

24. “Ian! Hi. It’s Spencer, Spencer Pratt. How you doing, man? Give me a call back when you get a chance, kay?”

25. “Ian! Ian! Ian! Ian!”

26. “If I leaaaaave here tomorrow, would you still remember me? For I must be traveling on now, cause there’s too many places I’ve got to see. But, if I stayed here with you, girl, things just couldn’t be the same.”

27. “Cause I’m freeeeeee as a biiiiird. And this bird, you cannot change.”

28. “Call. Me. Back. Call me back. Call me………”

29. “Back.”

30. “You man, I’m fuuucked up. I’m over at Brody’s house and there’s Playboy models here and shit, man. Also, I think I might be depressed. Come on out!”

31. “Good morning. This is Ian’s client Spencer Pratt calling. I’d love to chat for a few minutes about some business ideas when he has a chance. Look forward to hearing from you!”

Share This Post: