I always try to remind myself: Don’t blame the models, blame the advertisers. And even if this particular model stole Tom Brady away from his very pregnant girlfriend Bridget Moynahan, advertising probably had something to do with it, and we mustn’t blame her. I practice this mantra in therapy weekly, and I really think it’s starting to strengthen my body image perception and curb my emotional eating when watching television. But even my suspension of disbelief stops at Gisele Bündchen’s latest Brazilian lingerie ads. And I can suspend my disbelief to the point of thinking I won’t die alone. I mean seriously, my suspended disbelief is bigger than my waist size, amirightladies?
Look, I know Gisele didn’t write the copy. She certainly didn’t art direct these spots, nor was she likely responsible for the shot composition. But no one held a gun to her head while the cameras were rolling—and probably not before or after either. Girls, I know you’re tempted to say, “I saw City of God, so I know that kind of violence happens in Brazil all the time,” but resist the urge—let’s expand our horizons, ladies, not our waistlines. I’m pretty confident she signed up for this on her own free will. And I’m not confident about anything, amirightladies? I wish I weren’t.
Allow me to present Exhibit A:
It’s like, why do women even bother getting dressed, amirightladies? Stay in your underwear at all times, and the world is your oyster. Of course, it helps to have a body more like Gisele’s and less like a beached whale. Either way, to be safe just be nearly naked at all times.
But seriously, ladies, we always be crashing cars, amiright? I think I just crashed a car right now. Wait, what’s a car?
Allow me to present Exhibit B:
I totally forgot to mention these are actually lessons. The makers of Hope Lingerie were kind enough to spell the nudity rule out for us in the simplest of terms. After all, if we don’t know how to drive properly and don’t comprehend the basic concept of a credit line, then how the heck are we supposed to infer the meaning of a commercial? Thank goodness they kept the spots to 15 seconds; anything longer than 20 and I’m already thinking about my hair and huffing nail polish. Life is distracting, amirightladies?
So women are bad with money, bad with automobiles, but great with taking their clothes off. Gisele didn’t invent this wheel, she’s just riding it all the way to the bank. So can we really hold her accountable? I say yes. She’s the one speaking the words, so she must believe in them—that’s how advertisements work, right? Ugh, I shouldn’t have huffed so much Pirates of the Caribbean Planks A Lot OPI nail polish. I think I’m definitely dying alone.