• Fri, Sep 23 2011

Jersey Shore Field Notes: Jionni Is In The Building

(By an anthropologist)

0:00 – We see our specimen Snooki in the aftermath of her car accident. The cops have arrived quickly because the cops were in the car she hit.

0:30 – The cops give Snooki a breathalyzer test. She passes. (Analysis: Her alcohol level was so high it broke the breathalyzer and reset it to zero.)

1:00 – The cops drag Snooki into their van. She reads herself her own version of the Miranda Rights, which goes: “This sucks.”

2:00 – The men specimens arrive to fine the Fiat is being towed.

3:00 – The men journey to the police station and retrieve the girls. Snooki will not have to stay in jail, although her license has been taken away. (Her Lisa Frank fan club license – that’s the most official document she owns.)

4:00 – Snooki calls her mate Jionni. He’s coming to Italy. JWOWW’s mate Roger, however, cant get off work, which is what he calls going to the gym and yelling at other people.

6:00 – JWOWW calls Roger on the telephone and cries a lot. She says, “that sucks,” which means he is currently being arrested.

7:00 – JWOWW is sad. The girls decide that the solution to her problem is to have some drinks. Snooki stays home because she’s still “shaken up” from the accident. (Diagnosis: delerium tremens?)

8:00 – The girls arrive at a club and they do shots.

9:00 – The boys go to a club. It’s called “Space Electronic,” which is Italian for “Cool English Words.”

9:30 – Snooki’s home alone. The doorbell rings. It’s Brittany, one of The Situation’s twins from days past.

10:00 – Brittany appears to be drunk, but not so drunk that she’d cause a breathalyzer to read “zero.” Snooki’s plan is to stick her in The Situations’s bed so as to create an awkward encounter when he arrives home with another girl.

13:00 – The boys return with women in tow. Mike has wrangled a pretty Australian lass.

13:30 – Brittany pops out of The Situation’s bed. The Australian lass is confused. Brittany takes off her shirt. Mike sends the Australian girl home and copulates with Brittany.

14:00 – Jionni is on an airplane to Florence, hovering somewhere between Newark and Space Electronic. Snooki attempts to put together the perfect outfit. (Translation: The outfit involving the least amount of outfit.)

17:00 – Jionni arrives. Snooki cries.

18:00 – Snooki want to have sex immediately. Jionni wants to shower.

20:00 – They copulate.

21:00 – Snooki comes out in a slinky dress. Jionni tells her to change. Vinny and Jionni high-five, which is man communication meaning, “And now tell me your thoughts on Kant’s moral imperative.”

22:00 – The specimens arrive at another club.

23:00 – Jionni whispers in Snooki’s ear and says he’s never loved something so much in his entire life.

23:30 – “She responds, “I fucking love you.” (Analysis: That is a Miranda Wrong.)

24:00 – The Situation thinks he and Jionni “have beef” (non-kosher). The Situation also thinks that he is a kung fu master because he can lift his leg high enough to kick things.

25:00 – The specimens go to another club called Twenty One, which is the age in Italy you have to be to understand what makes a shitty club name.

26:00 – Snooki is very drunk. (0.000001 on the breathalyzer.) She dances on the bar and lifts her dress up completely.

26:30 – Jionni expresses the emotion of anger. He says, “You’re dancing like a fucking whore” and storms out.

27:00 – Snooki chases after him. She falls down and the other specimens come running.

28:00 – Snooki flips out and shrieks and whines and yells at everyone. (Analysis: She has the social skills of a four-year-old. A four-year-old chimpanzee.)

31:00 – Ronnie chases Jionni down and tries to calm him. Jionni talks about how embarrassed he felt and storms off again. (Theory: If Ronnie is the rational one in a situation, that situation will immediately combust.)

32:00 – JWOWW chases Jionni down. She can’t walk in her shoes but she takes them off before she falls down because she is a lady.

33:00 – Snooki is crying and blathering. JWOWW offers to nurse her from her breasts.

33:30 – Jionni sits on the curb with his head down, looking deep. (Question: Rebel Without a Cause sequel in the works?)

36:00 – Jionni comes back. Snooki runs down to meet him and then chases after him. He hides in the bathroom. She follows him in. (Diagnosis: Snooki has not yet reached the stage in her development where she has learned that bathroom time means alone time.)

37:00 – Jionni says he’s breaking up with Snooki because he doesn’t need a girl who lifts up her skirt, and he already has a pet chimpanzee.

39:00 – Jionni takes his things and gets in a cab. End credits: Rebel Without a Cause, Part 2.

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