• Fri, Sep 16 2011

Proof Nicolas Cage Is A Vampire For Sale On Ebay

Do you ever look at Nicolas Cage‘s slowly aging, jolie laide face and wonder if he’s a 200-year-old vampire who feasts on the blood of the living? Lord knows I have. I have tried numerous times to convince people of this fact, but there’s never been any supporting evidence…until now.

A photo listed for sale on Ebay purports to be of Nicolas Cage circa 1870. According to the copy, it is “not a trick photo,” was taken sometime just before the Civil War, and originated in Bristol Tennessee:

Original c.1870 carte de visite showing a man who looks exactly like
Nick Cage. Personally, I believe it’s him and that he is some sort of
walking undead / vampire, et cetera, who quickens / reinvents
himself once every 75 years or so. 150 years from now, he might
be a politician, the leader of a cult, or a talk show host.

 

The seller is serious about his vampire theory, even going so far as to address inconsistencies in the “question and answer” box:

Q: Nick Cage has aged terribly in the past 10 years, he’s obviously not been drinking his daily amount of blood to stay young Aug-01-11

A: My theory is that he allows himself to age to a certain point, maybe 70, 80 or so, then the actor “Nicolas Cage” will “die”… but in reality, the undead vampire “Nicolas Cage” will have rejuvenated himself and appeared in some other part of the world, young again, and ready to start all over. From time to time somebody might mention to him that he bears a slight resemblance to the young version that dead American actor, whose name they can’t recall, but eventually, those occurrences will stop altogether.

Makes sense to me! This would also explain why Nicolas Cage’s progeny looks like the guy from Metalocalypse:

He’s still learning to mainstream.

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