Here were are, at the Bachelor Pad finale. ABC screwed us once again, by presenting us with 3 god-awful hours of television and I’m here to painstakingly keep track of every stupid comment, every time Kasey’s head got bright red, every time Jake gave us that phony smirk, every time they showed the zombie that lives inside Ella’s new face, and every time Michael pretended to be okay with Blake and Holly stomping on his heart on national TV. Bachelor Pad answers that age old question: What do you get when you put 18 people with really bland personalities in one house? Unfortunately, not a whole lot.
Best Cirque de Soleil performance:
Michael and Holly.
Despite Kasey’s claim that “Vienna and I have the best chemistry here” and Michael’s claim that “Holly and I are not exactly synching up” (though I think he just meant sexually), Michael and Holly gave a pretty incredible performance.
Worst Cirque de Soleil performance:
Kirk and Ella.
We all know how much Ella had riding on this, but she caved into fear and was horrible. “I am here for my son and I am here for every single battered woman in this country that I can help.” Sorry, Ella’s son and battered women, you’re gonna have to seek help elsewhere.
Graham. “I am literally pissing down my leg.”
That must not have been fun for Micelle at all.
Most confused about what performance art requires:
“I’m a survivor, I’m a dreamer, I’m a believer” and “I adapt, I pick up things really quickly. I’m smart. I’m witty.”
How exactly does having sharp wit help with wall climbing?
Biggest Trust Issues:
“I’m sorry but I don’t trust harnesses. I’m really trying to trust it.”
Clearly, she has confused harnesses with men. Oh, the classic harness-man analogy…and she continues with this:
“What if this harness broke and something malfunctioned, I would go plummeting to the ground and my son would be alone.”
“What if the harness told my son he was going out to the liquor store and just never came back? I swear I’m never letting another harness get me pregnant. This is for all the women that have ever been messed with by a harness!” Okay those I made up, but she was definitely thinking it.