Two days ago, a little movie called Main Street was released. This movie confuses me. What to know why? Mostly, I can’t figure out exactly why a movie about the American South has so many British actors in the cast. Don’t get me wrong, I love me my British actors; but does this make sense to you? Because there’s something about hearing a southern drawl coming out of Colin Firth’s mouth that just makes me go, “Whaaaa?” The thing that really gets me is that Main Street was the final work of Horton Foote, who was super important both as a playwright (The Orphan’s Home Cycle) and as a screenwriter (the screenplays for the film adaptations of To Kill a Mockingbird and Of Mice and Men. Given this, maybe you can understand why I’m having so much trouble with the mere fact that I’m having so much trouble with this movie.
So here’s the deal: I’m going to give you Main Street’s trailer. The trailer is two minutes long. You’re going to break out a bottle of SoCo and a couple of shot glasses. We’re both going to attempt to understand what’s going on here. This one is going to be fast a furious. Ready? Set? Drink!
A British actor appears: Take a shot.
The British actor is using a Southern accent: Take two shots.
THIS MAKES NO SENSE: Take three shots.
Orlando Bloom’s moustache appears: Take a shot.
THIS MAKES NO SENSE EITHER: Take three shots.
An American actor appears: Take a shot.
This… actually makes sense: Okay. Don’t worry, it’ll be rare. Take a shot.
Orlando Bloom’s moustache tries to make you take him seriously: Take a shot.
THIS STILL MAKES NO SENSE: Take two shots.
A British actor’s accent slips: Take a shot for each slip.
An American actor’s accent slips: Take two shots for each slip (they’re American, they have no excuse).
Colin Firth sounds like he has a frog living inside his throat: Take a shot and croak.
Someone calls Orlando Bloom a loser: Take a shot for each occurrence. Also plaster an L to your head. You know, the one you make with your fingers. Because that’s how we roll.
A shot of a derelict town appears: Match it shot for shot (see what we did there?).
A series of shots lasting less than three seconds each happens: Match it shot for shot (again. We’re still doing it!).
A police uniform appears: Take a shot.
A white dress appears: Take a shot. No, wait, take two—it’s after Labor Day.
The words “Academy Award-winner” appear: Take a shot.
An Academy Award-winner appears: Take a shot.
Horton Foote’s name appears: Take a shot. Take a bonus shot if you know who Horton Foote is (and not just because I already told you).
You figure out what the hell is going on here: Hell, I’ll buy you your next round. Carry on.