(By an anthropologist.)
0:00 – Our specimen The Situation wakes up on the couch of his luxury hovel — still in his neck brace — and whimpers for a while. He explains he’s learned a valuable lesson, and it’s that he probably shouldn’t ram his head into walls anymore. (Note: Send a congratulations to The Situation on his pre-school commencement.)
2:00 – Ronnie awakes and hulks his way into Sammi’s room. He tells her he loves her no matter what. They decide to talk later about maybe getting back together. (Diagnosis: Amnesia? Stupidity? Television producers?)
4:00 – The Situation calls his sister, The Melissa, and complains. He is sad and he wants to go home because having spent two days in a neck brace has ruined his entire The Life.
4:30 – The girls drop off their laundry. Again. [Note: SERIOUSLY, HOW THE FUCK DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE SO MUCH LAUNDRY?!? (Note: Have an intern edit this.)]
6:00 – Sitch is very sad because he’s hurt and can’t do anything for himself. He fake cries for the camera. (Diagnosis>Stanislavski method? Onions?)
6:30 – Ronnie has a chat with Sitch. Sitch talks about wanting to go home. Ronnie grunts and Sitch nods like he understands the meaning of this.
7:00 – The Situation decides he will stay after all, because he is a man. (Translation: His penis is stuck to the couch.)
12:00 – Our specimens Snooki and JWOWW explore their surroundings. They walk by a church and are reprimanded for wearing revealing and also neon clothing.
13:00 – Snooki calls her mate Jionni. She tells him he’s the best person she knows and that she would like to “suck his butt.” Then she burps.
14:00 – Jionni reacts to Snooki’s behavior by calling her stupid. Snooki expresses the emotion of sadness.
14:30 – Snooki talks to Ronnie, who has, evidently, because the de facto psychiatrist in the house. Snooki is sad because she’s never been in love like this before. However, it seems Jionni doesn’t particularly care for any aspect of Snooki’s personality. It’s a real predicament. Ronnie’s diagnosis: Snooki subconsciously wants to fuck her cousin. (Diagnosis: Ronnie’s parents fucked their cousins.)
16:00 – Denna gives Pauly a haircut. It’s the style known as a ”fauxhawk,” which means “fake hairstyle.” Deena finds herself aroused by this new look. Pauly proclaims that is makes him look like “those Guidos on TV who are trying too hard.” (Diagnosis: …………………………………………………)
18:00 – Sam and Ron sit down to talk. They discuss politics, Russian literature, the debt crisis, and then their own relationship. Sam is mad because Ron “did her dirty,” and she thinks he’s a pig. (Diagnosis: Ron has a tail.)
20:00 – Ron apologizes but Sam says she doesn’t care. Ron says he loves Sam. They start to yell at one another (Ronnie’s a Krugmanite, Sammi’s more cautious about spending.)
25:00 – Vinny comes in and asks if Ron and Sam would please go somewhere else if they’re going to argue all the time because it is loud. Then he throws his weight behind Dostoevsky over Tolstoy as the better writer.)
27:00 – Sam decides she and and Ron should get back together. They leave to go fornicate, and then to commit the perfect crime and try to get away with it.
34:00 – Our specimens leave for the club once again. The place they go to is called “21,” which in the metric system translates to “Ugh.”
35:00 – Sam and Ron are in love again. They French kiss, which means they both taste of onion soup.
37:00 – Deena and JWOWW get into an altercation with several women in the club. A woman throws her drink in Deena’s face. Snooki will not stand for this, so she starts punching people. She punches Deena accidentally. Deena says, “No, it’s me, Deena!” (Diagnosis: Self-awareness at last.)
41:00 – Snooki calls Jionni. He is mad at her because she’s been drinking and also because she still has that same personality.
42:00 – Ronnie interjects. He takes the phone from Snooki and tells Jionni that he can guarantee that Snooki loves him so he’s being stupid by getting all uppity about it. “Also,” he asks. “Do you have any female cousins?”
47:00 – Deena calls her waiter friend whose name is Ellis (Italian for “Not Italian”). She summons him to her abode.
48:00 – Ellis arrives.
49:00 – Sammi proclaims Ellis a real man for coming over at 4 AM, which makes her think he must really like Deena. (Diagnosis: Do these people know what words mean, at all?)
49:30 – Deena falls down.
50:00 – Deena drags Ellis into her bedroom, but soon notices he has a hickey. She asks about it. He says it’s from his sister. Ronnie bursts into the room, takes notes, then submits a paper to the International Journal of Psychiatry.
51:00 – Deena sends Ellis away.
52:00 – JWOWW calls her mate R0G3R. She complains about how Jionni is being mean to Snooki.
53:00 – The specimens decide they must hold an intervention to convince Snooki to sever her ties with Jionni.
55:00 – Snooki is upset. She says, “You don’t have to do an intervention. I’m not addicted to heroin, I’m just addicted to my boyfriend’s penis.” Her boyfriend’s penis is, incidentally, shaped like a crack pipe.
57:00 – JWOWW won’t relent, however, because she thinks Jionni is behaving poorly. She says, “I’m not just going to pretend everything is all cheese and daisies.” Thank goodness, because Italians are known for being intolerant of daisies.