• Thu, Sep 8 2011

Fan Fiction: Courtney Stodden’s Advice Column

Hi, my luscious lovelies! It’s me, inspiring actress, model, and singer Courtney Stodden. I’m completely titillated to be taking your questions, and giving you my unique inside into the rill problems facing young women today. Don’t be afraid to get wet and wild with your questions, because I love getting my silky hands dirty!

Dear Courtney,

Thank you so much for being a positive example to young girls dating older men. My mom recently found out that I’ve been seeing my teacher, Mr. Gordon, and she basically flipped out. All she does now is cry and call lawyers, and worst of all, she’s told me I’m not allowed to go out with Mr. Gordon ever again. It’s like she doesn’t get how mature I am. Like you, I am an old soul, and my boobs developed before any of the other seventh grade girls. Please tell me how to change her mind. Can 12 plus 64 equal sexy love, too?

Stacked Tween
Rockford, Illinois

Dear Stacked,

I rilly appreciate you calling me positive. I am definitely the most positive person I know, and that is my worthiest weapon against the haters. As regards to your question, I feel a little ambidextrous. Naturally, I am aware that true love knows no age. If I had let the age difference become an impertinent, Doug and I would not be as intensely intwined as we are now. But 12 is a little young, no matter how old you look. You might not even be perioding, which is a sign of your fertility and the reason Jesus gave us such sensuous pleasures. Wait until you are at least 16, or when Mr. Gordon gets out of prison, whichever comes first. In response to your mother, I only wish all parents could be as sexily supportive as mine. The best thing you can do is show her your matureness with outrageous outfits and as much makeup as your fierce face can fit. If you look 35, everyone will treat you 35. God bless.

Courtney

Dear Courtney,

Wow, you are hot! I can’t stop watching your videos, reading your tweets, and taping photos of you to my ceiling. Ever since I first heard “Don’t Put It On Me,” I knew you were going to be a star. But Courtney, what are you doing with a senior citizen like Doug Hutchison? No offense, but you are way out of his league. So how about giving this 25-year-old high school-educated hunk a chance? When you’re done with that dinosaur, I’ll be ready for you.

A Real Man
Modesto, California

Dear Rill,

Dinosaur? Excuse me, little boy, but there is nothing fictional about my handsome hubby. I love him with all my heart, and I am so glad I saved my bodacious bod for his eyes only. But myself, as a warm and synthetic person, can understand your jealous feelings. Who wouldn’t be envied of my delectable Doug? He starred in Steven Spielberg’s The Green Mile, and now he stars in all my most ferocious fantasies! I’m jealous of me, myself, for sharing my bed with him. So while I am gracious for your compliments, I want you to remember jealousy is the ugliest of all the emotions Pandora birthed from her box. Do you think Jesus was jealous when all his friends were engaging in carnivorous carnality and he had to keep his body pure? Be true to yourself and maybe you’ll find a woman who will embarrass you for who you are, including your interest in dinosaur mythology and myself. God bless.

Dear Courtney,

I am so impressed with your commitment to abstinence until marriage. It must have made your wedding night a painful but rewarding experience. Unfortunately, my boyfriend Mark thinks 18 is too young to get married, and that we should just go ahead and give into our desires now. I’m tempted, but I don’t want to ruin what he have. Also, what did he mean when he said he doesn’t want to buy the cow until he’s sure the milk is good quality? Please tell me how to keep his interests and still be a good Christian.

Legs Closed for Jesus
Lawrence, Kansas

Dear Legs,

It’s such a perverse pleasure to hear from another Christian. Nothing turns me on more than keeping your vessel holy until you’ve committed to your partner under Christ. (By the way, my wedding night was rewarding but not painful! I actually tore my Jesus patch in a freak baton-twirling accident at my high school talent show.) Believe me, I understand the urge to sin. As Doug will tell you, I am the most unsatiable lover you can imagine. But don’t give in! Remind Mark that while your time on this enriching earth is limited, you can have an erotic eternity together in Heaven. That can never come to pass if you disgrace your body under the eyes of the Lord. He sees everything, even after you’ve blown out the stimulating vanilla-scented candles. So stay true to your beliefs, and assure your boyfriend it will be worth the wait once you are Mr. and Mrs. Mark. Also, anal doesn’t count. God bless.

Courtney

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  • Canaduck

    That was freaking hilarious. Funniest thing I’ve read today–thank you for making me laugh!

  • rita

    LOVED THIS!!!!! it was erotic and a rill delectably delicious read.

  • Rachel

    This was the second funniest thing I read today. Courtney Stodden’s tweet about her going to the dentist this afternoon had me falling off my chair laughing at work today. Both are a must-read!

  • jackson is real

    “inspiring actress”? doesn’t she mean “aspiring”? what a moron…

  • Felicia

    Wow. She really needs to have someone proofread for her before she posts things on the internet. And is she encouraging anal sex? That’s why so many Christian youth have STDs because of ignorance. It’s hilarious that people are okay with her being so religious. I’m pretty sure Jesus wouldn’t be happy with her being half naked all the time.

  • Stephanie

    Can you please do this on a weekly/monthly basis because it is HYSTERICAL..Totally loved it. It was super sexy and sensual,meow!

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