• Fri, Sep 2 2011

We Use WebMD to Diagnose Audrina Patridge’s ‘Chest Problem’ (Spoiler: It’s Breast Implants)

The Hills star Audrina Patridge is still denying that she’s gotten breast implants, using the really unconvincing argument that she suffers from a medical condition that makes her breasts different sizes. In her own words:

“Well, see I have this chest problem. My bone right here, it’s higher on this side? It’s pectoralis something, so I’ve always struggled with that. You could see they look different sizes all the time.”

Hard to interpret, right? We’re not convinced for a second, but let’s have some fun and try to figure out what medical condition Audrina could be alluding to.

First, let’s go by the wording — “pectoralis something”:

  • Pectoralis Major Muscle Rupture: This can often cause a dimpling, or pocket, to form above your armpit where the tear occurred — so yes, for women that would be the breast area. But Audrina didn’t mention pain or weakness, which are the primary symptoms. Also, while this can be chronic, it’s the kind of issue you’d treat immediately, which doesn’t explain why her breasts still look “off.”
  • Poland Syndrome: While a major symptom of this is having no pectoralis minor muscle, sufferers also have short, webbed fingers on the same side of the lopsided breast.

The symptom — her breasts being different sizes — seems to point to other possible issues:

  • Breast Cancer: The majority of search results came out as cancer, and we know that’s not the case at all.
  • Scoliosis: This came from a less reputable source (health message boards) but matched up with the image of an uneven chest thanks to spine curvature.

Nice try, Audrina, but you couldn’t fool us with medical jargon. Our diagnosis? Bullshit, and implants.

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