• Tue, Aug 30 2011

Bachelor Pad Superlatives: Time To Sleep Your Way To The Middle Everyone!

Unless you count the Blake-Michael mild feud over Holly as drama, the only thing keeping this show afloat this week was the possibility that Melissa might murder Blake on national television. ABC really has butchered this series, not sure if it’s the casting or the format, but something is definitely missing. Does anyone else think it’s weird that in a 2-hour show they give almost zero airtime to 90% of the contestants in the house? In any case, here is my week 4 recap, superlatives style.

Weakest take down of anyone ever:
Jake.
I was so excited to hear Jake take “everyone down with him” as he promised to do last week. Then he gets kicked off and we’re treated to this pathetic display:

“We had a chance to do something big and really special. You’re going to have to step up and take out the power couples and you know which ones you have to start with.
Casey, amazing meeting you…Vienna my apologies. In my heart, forgiven.”

I think Jake is under some misheld belief that leaving Bachelor Pad with dignity will lead to yet another shot at being the Bachelor. God, I hope not.

Best mispronunciation of the word Strategist:
Casey. (aka Red Skull)
“I’m the strongest “Strateeegist.”

Most underrated contestant:
Erica.
She’s hanging around, insinuating that she will whore herself out, but hasn’t really done anything with any guys. (Not sure why any guy hasn’t tried to take her up on this yet.) She seems to have a pretty good handle on how to play this game.

Best Blakeism:
Blake. (he is out of the running for best line because he’s obviously working with ABC to come up with funny lines).

“I was gonna do a tonsillectomy today. Going into surgery. The doctor is in.”

In comedy, we call it gilding the lily. Yes, I think we get it Blake, you’re a doctor. Well, actually, not really, you’re dentist.

Runner up:
Blake.

“I wouldn’t say I went in for the kill. But I definitely took it up a few more notches. Yeah I definitely have skills in my repertoire and I think the guys are worried about that.”

Blake sounding like Lebron James after a win.

Best Kisser: (Male)
Blake.
While most of the guys show respect or deference for current and past relationships, Blake took this week as an opportunity to get to first base with every girl in the house.

Best kisser: (Female)
Ella.
She stepped it up because she needs the money for her 9-year-old son, Ethan.

“I’ll do anything for my son. Pulling myself out is not an option.”

She said this with out a hint of irony, considering that’s how she got in this mess in the first place.

Best Line (Male):
Kirk.
About Erica:

“Number 1 kisses was a little aggressive, a little sloppy and her boobs were touching me.”

Runner Up:
Casey.

“I felt like I had to lie to Melissa because I felt like she was gonna cut my nuts off.”

Best Line (female):
Michelle.

“Some people wear their emotions on their sleeve, Melissa wears her emotions on every article of clothing she wears every single day including her hair ties…and her panties.”

Runner Up:
Ella.
On Melissa’s death gaze towards Blake and Holly:

“If looks could kill I think both of them would be shot in the back of the head”

…take it from someone who’s seen it first hand.

Runner up:
Melissa.

“Blake made multiple promises. He pinkie swore.”

After the litany of times Blake betrayed her she was counting on the old pinkie swear to keep her alive? Did he also cross his heart and hope to die?

Most likely to make up a story about mold:
Kirk.
I feel bad for him if this is actually true, but had a hard time swallowing his story about getting deathly ill from mold. He actually uttered the phrase “Mold made me reevaluate my life.” I hope it’s true, because that would be a pretty big load of crap to be selling.

Best one-upping of a story about mold:
Ella.
After Kirk gave his mold sob story, Ella hit him with her dead mother:

“My little sister and I were walking down the road and my stepfather pulled up and shot her in front of me and my little sister.”

Now she wants to open up a battered women’s shelter, so I’m kind of hoping she wins, she seems like the only person here with a legit reason.

Most blatant offer of a happy ending:
Erica.

“I would love for Blake to take me so I could finish what I started during the massage. “

Best plug for collagen:
Erica.
Again, she needed everyone to know that kissing is her strong suit, though not strong enough to win the competition.

“I definitely have good lips with getting injections every six months.”

Least manly move:
Kirk.
Throwing your hands up like you’re a scared kid on a roller coaster while letting Ella drive you around in a Ferrari is not pimp at all.

Biggest Frontrunner (Guys):
Kirk.
Despite his fake mold illness and his giddiness at being in a sports car, he still looks like he is in total control of this house.

Biggest Frontrunner (Girls):
Michelle.
I still say nothing can stop Michelle. She has them all fooled. She even pretended to cry when William left and called him “salt of the earth.” Not sure why but hearing Michelle call someone “salt of the earth” had me rolling on the ground laughing.

Scariest yogurt eater:
Melissa.
Did anyone else catch that Fatal Attraction moment when Melissa was whipping that yogurt 400 miles an hour? It also had me thinking of that guy who had his junk thrown into a blender by his wife. Be afraid, Blake, be very afraid.

Best use of an electric toothbrush to brainstorm:
Blake.
Caught off guard by Melissa, he calms her down by pulling out a dentist’s best friend. The old electric toothbrush:

“I have another 40 seconds and then I will talk to you.”

From now on, every time a guy messes up with his girlfriend he best be carrying one of these handy dandy devices!

Most insulting commentary on a previous relationship:
Holly.

“I don’t think I’ve been on a date this good…ever.”

This was in reference to a daytime ski trip with Blake, even though she hates skiing. Wow, she has zero respect for Michael or their relationship. I’m starting to think she didn’t think a year was a LONG TIME to wait before he proposed.

Most irreplaceable:
Holly.
At least according to Michael, who used that word at least 5 times to describe her.

Most one-sided relationship:
Michael and Holly.
Michael’s POV:“I just wanna kiss you and hang out with you and blow on you.”
Holly’s POV: “Some days I miss Michael, I really wanna be with Michael and some days I really glad we broke up and think I have a lot to offer another person. “ I think that pretty much sums it up.

Unanswered questions:
Does Kirk have the last remaining Live Strong bracelet on the planet? Why does everyone on the show mumble? Why does Michael always whisper? Is Melissa getting sent straight to a psych ward? Can William get his job back at Verizon? How many guys will have sex with Erica next week? Why isn’t Graham pursuing Michelle harder? Will Michael ever realize Holly couldn’t care less about him?

Melissa and William getting sent home surprised nobody. It was a little shocking that she didn’t commit a homicide on her way out, though. And now that Jake is gone, Casey and Vienna are a boring afterthought on this show. All we have left is finding out if Blake can become the new Jake and if Erica can successfully sleep her way through this competition. See you next week.

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