(By an anthropologist)
0:00 – We find our specimens exactly where we left them: Ronnie is pacing around in Hulk-mode, gearing up to attack The Situation; The Situation is getting pumped for a fight; Sammi is sobbing salty margarita tears.
1:00 – Faced with Ronnie the Steroid, The Situation tries to cram six month’s worth of fight training into 30 seconds.
2:00 – Situation slams his own head into the wall, presumably out of excitement. He slumps down. Stars float around his skull and the “Rocky” theme song plays, on kazoo.
5:00 – Sitch lies on the couch with a cold compress on his head. The girls are worried he may have injured his head and also possibly his brain.
6:00 – Our humans call an ambulance. JWOWW is convinced Sitch is going to die, either from the head trauma or the ego deflation.
10:00 – An ambulance shows up to take Sitch away, blasting its wimpy European siren. Snooki thinks it’s a gelato truck and skips outside.
11:00 – JWOWW goes in to talk to Ron, who’s still Hulking out in his room.
12:00 – Ron starts to cry and cry. Green fluid leaks out of his eyes, draining him, and when he’s done sobbing, he is once again merely a man. A man who will never be Eric Bana.
13:00 – Vinny, JWOWW and Snooki discuss The Situation’s situation. JWOWW is still worried that Sitch is going to die, so Vinny reassures her by explaining that people get concussions all the time. Then Snooki reassures her by explaining that she herself used to get concussions while cheerleading — and hey, she turned out just fine! (Note: not true, Snooki is a ghost.)
14:00 – Sammi is off in her room sobbing uncontrollably. Ronnie tries to talk to her. Sammi can’t make out his grunts and only cries harder.
14:30 – Ron finds Vinny and apologizes for getting all Hulky. The two men hug. However, Vinny accuses Ron of drinking too much. (Note: it appears out specimens are involved in an elaborate game of hot potato wherein they must constantly pass the designation of “alcoholic” from person to person.)
15:00 – Ron finds Sam, who is apparently ready to talk. He explains that the two of them together is a toxic combination: she’s liquor, he’s cocaine. Separate, each is annoying, together they can kill a man. Just ask The Situation’s concussed cranium.
16:00 – Sam tells Ron she never wants to see him again. They separate. Sammi goes off to vomit in a toilet and eat a breakfast burrito while Ron leaves to go stare at his dilated pupils in a mirror and fist bump himself over and over.
22:00 – Fists fully bumped, Ron decides that he has to leave the house because he feels like he has lost himself. (Note: he means this literally. He cannot remember where he put his body. Did he leave it on the couch? In the smoosh room? By the toilet? Where?)
22:30 – Vinny tries to talk Ron out of leaving and is rather convincing. (Note: Does Vinny have a PhD? Investigate.)
23:00 – Ronnie sits and thinks. For entire moments, he is basically a Rodin sculpture. After nanoseconds of internal reflection, Ron decides he will stay in Florence, after all.
24:00 – A new man, Ron decides to put Sitch’s bed — which mere hours earlier he had flung into the living room — back together. This is so that Sitch “has somewhere to lay his head if he comes back.” IF. If. if.
25:00 – Pauly returns and explains that the hospital is keeping Sitch for a few more hours of observation. Nothing related to his head injury, they just want to poke him with some stuff and maybe throw him in with a couple lab rats.
26:00 – The Situation makes his triumphant return. He has a light concussion and must wear a neck brace for a week, which means he can’t GTL. (Note: How do these people have so much laundry? Is it a glandular issue?)
30:00 – Still posed with one fist beneath his chin, Ronnie decides to spend a day alone with his thoughts. Will he sit at a cafe with a newspaper? Perhaps tour the Duomo? Stroll the magnificent streets of Florence? Nope, he goes to the gym and lifts weights.
31:00 – Snooki and JWOWW’s boyfriends send them flowers. They’re real and not plastic, however, so the girls are upset.
32:00 – The fellows go out to eat. They run into Ron, post-workout, who’s alone and still engaged in self-reflection by staring at his face in a pool of olive oil.
33:00 – Ron decides that he loves Sammi again (Note: Noooooooooooooooo!)
37:00 – Snooki calls her mate Jionni and tries to initiate phone copulation. She wants to know if he’s DTF. WTF? Jionni seems shy and won’t bite, but perhaps he’s just confused about all the acronyms.
39:00 – Sam decides the best course of action in her plan to completely ignore Ron is to remove all the stuff he gave her from her room and place it on his bed. She does this with the subtlety of a praying mantis post-copulation.
39:30 – Sam finds Sitch, who’s lying in bed, concussed head buried under a pillow.
“Mike, are you okay?”
“I just want to apologize for everything.”
“Well, I’m glad you’re okay.”
(Note: Sitch might be dead.)
40:00 – Sitch is not dead! He just feels alienated. No one has been checking on him and so he feels great despair. Meaning: he sniffles once or twice for the camera. Also, he keeps his sunglasses on.
41:00 – Ron “I Still Love Sam” The Hulk returns home to find Sam’s stuff on his bed. He throws it all into the trash. (Note: No recycling?)
47:00 – The girls go out drinking. Sam feels bad that everyone has to deal with her Ron fights. But it’s nothing that more drinking can’t temporarily solve, then make ten times worse.
50:00 – It’s back to the club for our boys, except for that ole cripple, The Situation, who is at home writing a Dickens novel about himself.
51:00 – Pauly dances with an Italian girl. This angers an Italian man who might be her mate.
52:00 – The Italian man comes up to Pauly and repeatedly asks, “Che cosa? Che cosa?” (Note: He might be displaying the human behavior known as “rapping.”)
54:00 – Pauly engages in deep, philosophical inquiry about whether or not he should fight the Italian man. Schopenhauer says do it! Kant says do not do it! John Mayer says, “Just walk away and find a nice girl to take home and pee on,” and so that’s exactly what Pauly will do. Crisis: averted.
55:00 – Back at their habitation hovel, Snooki and Sitch make up. Even though Sitch spread all those lies, Snooki realizes she still cares about him. “At the end of the day,” Sitch says, “we love each other.”
At the beginning of the day, they are asleep; during the middle of the day, they are groggy; nearing the end of the day, they are plastered; but at the very end of the day there is room for a bit of sloppy love. (Note: eat your heart out, The Sphynx.)
57:00 – Outside of The Club, Ron buys Sam flowers. He does this, he says, to be an adult about the situation and to prove to Sam that she’s the asshole, not him.
58:00 – Ron gives Sam the flowers and she is (note: understandably, for once) confused. Sammi asks Ron if he brought another girl home. Ron is furious and starts to Hulk up.
59:00 – Ron and Sam fight because Sam seems ungrateful about those flowers. Ron wonders why he even got them in the first place. (Note: to prove that Sammi’s an asshole, Ron. Memory problems?)
59:30 – Ron throws the flowers away.
60:00 – Sam retrieves the flowers.
60:30 – The flowers commit suicide because they simply cannot take it for a single second more, my god, when is the effing show going to be over?