Last night, MTV gave viewers an “exclusive preview” of their new show “I Just Want My Pants Back,” better known to Greenpoint residents as “I Just Want To Be Able To Walk To The Store And Back (Without Some L.A. D-Berry In A Trucker Hat Bossing Me Around).” Liana and I took one for the team and watched it so you don’t have to. Here is the resulting Socratic dialogue. (Yes, we had this Skype chat while meandering through the Acropolis.)
Jamie Peck: First off I would like to preemptively reveal my bias that I’m sick and tired of this show telling me where I can and can’t walk.
Liana Maeby: In terms of them always filming? YES.
Jamie Peck: I would tolerate this from like, Boardwalk Empire. MAYBE Mad Men.
Liana Maeby: Yeah, I don’t need to see the sign of the coffee shop I can’t go into because your stupid grip truck is parked in front of it.
Jamie Peck: …But I will try to be fair
Liana Maeby: I think the best thing about it is how they tried to make these characters separate from “typical Williamsburg hipsters” by making them “clever and quippy.”
Liana Maeby: Like they found Diablo Cody‘s scribbled on cocktail napkin.
Jamie Peck: They talk like the people from Gilmore Girls.
Liana Maeby: They are Rory and Laureli lite.
Jamie Peck: Nobody in Williamsburg gets laid by talking like that. That is the talk you use with your mother, who is allowed to know you’re a HUGE DORK.
Liana Maeby: As my boyfriend said, “No offense, but if any group of twentysomethings was going to constantly quip and reference like that it would be your group of friends, and your group of friends does not talk like that.”
Jamie Peck: Also, they made them THEATER PEOPLE. Because theater people are the hippest.
Liana Maeby: Did you see the performance art play going on in McCarren last week? I hope that was somehow involved with this show.
Jamie Peck: No! But I am retroactively annoyed!
Liana Maeby: It was amazing! It was people dancing with shadows? For hours? So, okay, this show: minute two, they’re in the bathroom of a bar doing drugs.
Liana Maeby: That is a thing that people do in Brooklyn, drugs in bathrooms.
Liana Maeby: That drug is not marijuana, ever.
Jamie Peck: Yeah but weed?
Jamie Peck: JINX.
Liana Maeby: Owe me coke?
Liana Maeby: And then cut to: sex in the refrigerator? What in the hell? “Honey, I got you this yeast infection!”
Jamie Peck: They were establishing her MPDG [Manic Pixie Dream Girl] credentials. Everyone knows the fridge is the most ~free spirited~ place in the house to do it.
Liana Maeby: Right. She will fuck you in the fridge and then steal your pants and you will love her all the more for it
Jamie Peck: Maybe he didn’t have AC?
Liana Maeby: Valid point. In the winter, someone will fuck him with a hairdryer.
Jamie Peck: D:
Liana Maeby: Sex trophies are not a thing, right?
Jamie Peck: No. Well, not on purpose, anyway.
Liana Maeby: Sex trophy: pregnancy.
Jamie Peck: Sex trophy: herpes.
Liana Maeby: Not pants, pants that somehow fit you. So your doorman won’t see you wearing the same thing? What the hell kind of a concern is that?
Jamie Peck: To be fair, a lot of guys wear girl pants. The doorman bit establishes her as having a trust fund.
Liana Maeby: And a sense of propriety.
Jamie Peck: It is so like a self-centered trust fund kid to think the doorman gives a shit what some rando white girl is fucking.