It’s becoming abundantly clear to ABC that they don’t have much to work with in this house full of duds, so they are doing their best to script a few hilarious punchlines, show everyone in bathing suits and make sure we realize Melissa is batsh*t crazy. Oh, and they spent a lot of money so Brett Michaels could bang Holly on his tourbus while Michael cried…at least I assume that’s what really happened. I’m still not happy with the Sopranos-like cut to black ending. Here is my week 3 recap, superlatives style.
Best Teaser line of the night:
Vienna.
“I don’t want it to be an engagement ring.”
That was in response to Kasey (aka Red Skull) offering up a gift. Amazing, that Vienna would think Red Skull was proposing on an episode of Bachelor Pad. I was also scared it would be an engagement ring, so I guess I think as little of Kasey as Vienna does.
Runner Up:
Erica.
“No one can know that we’re talking right now.”
…as she finishes making out with Jake. Probably the first time she’s been the deliverer of that line and not the deliveree.
2nd Runner Up:
Red Skull.
“That was a year ago, get over it.”
It was in reference to Vienna’s recent broken engagement to Jake. Apparently the Red Skull and Michael both think a year is a super duper long time, because Michael waited a FULL year before he proposed to Holly.
Biggest Loose Cannon:
Melissa.
Of course, we all saw this meltdown coming from a mile away, but it is really amazing how many times she was referred to as a loose cannon or batsh*t crazy. By my count, 78 times this week.
Most scripted action:
Vienna creepily smashing ice with that large knife.
At least I hope they scripted that…$5 says her relationship with Kasey isn’t going to end well.
Best Line (male):
Blake.
Here are just a few of his gems. I think it’s clear at this point that he sits down with ABC producers and a metaphor book. Without Blake, this show would be garbage…well, more garbage-y than it already is.
“Melissa is like a live wire that’s flailing around ready to zap someone. I feel like I’m covered in water.”
“My one saving grace is that Jake is still in the house. He is higher up on the most wanted list than I am. He’s the buffer. “
“Hopefully, we can proceed with business as usual, not tornado as usual.”
“When one girl gets hurt, all of the other girl rally around her.” You just learned that buddy? Also, girls like flowers and talking about their day.
Best Lines (Girl):
Erica.
“Im not the one flying off the rocker.” Okay, so maybe ABC producers gave her the mixed metaphor book.
“He doesn’t want a romantic partnership, just a romantical one.”
Most blessed with “mental durability,” physical strength and problem solving skills:
Jake.
Well, at least that’s what Jake thinks he possesses in spades. I’ve never heard an intelligent person use the phrase “mental durability.”
Biggest Package:
Jake.
At least according to Erica. Maybe the right person to ask would be Vienna.
Smallest Package:
William. Gotta be William right? I mean the guy is tiny. Or is it Michael? Also, seems small to very small. The whole synchronized swimming event was purely concocted to get the guys in speedos so we could have this convo, right?
Most Self Aware:
Erica.
Though she isn’t too bright, she seems to know her strengths:
“The closest thing I’ve done to synchronized swimming is laying out at the pool.”
Least self aware:
Michael.
He doesn’t seem to get that Molly is just not that into him and he certainly wasn’t welcome on Brett Michael’s tour bus.
“Why is Michael here? Is he really just gonna sit their and sob while I get plowed by Brett Michaels”(…that’s Holly’s inner monologue.)
Best Relationship Advice:
Brett Michael’s.
Kidding, anytime Brett Michaels is giving you relationship advice, you know you’re f*cked, right? I guess Molly doesn’t realize that because she immediately quoted him about following a fork in the road.
Famous last words before entering a tourbus:
Holly.
“Brett Michael told me I’m beautiful.”
Most Relatable Song:
“Every Rose Has It’s Thorn.”
At least according to this gem from Molly:
“The song was very relatable, there are a lot of thorns in our relationship and we need to figure this out.”
Best Guy Michelle Has Ever Known:
Graham.
Okay, so maybe Michelle is still a bit crazy considering that five seconds earlier Graham told her she barely knew him.
Most shameless admission of plastic surgery:
Erica.
“I definitely have good lips that I maintain with getting injections every six months and I’m a good kisser.”
I believe the first part of that sentence 100 percent.
Biggest Frontrunner (Girls):
Michelle Money (aka Kardashian).
Can anyone honestly say they saw this coming? It’s like they sent her back to the hot girl warehouse and reprogrammed her. Giving relationship advice, getting along with everyone in the house, trying to build a healthy relationship at a normal pace. I don’t know what this world has come to. This game seems to be hers to lose at this point.
Biggest Frontrunner (Guys):
Kirk and Graham. Tie.
Clearly, Graham and Kirk are doing things off camera to distinguish themselves, because on camera they have about as much charisma as the actor who played the couch on Seinfeld.
Power couple:
Graham and Michelle.
I just hope Graham can figure out how to split up all this money from the litany of charity organizations he runs.
Weakest Couple:
Vienna and Kasey.
Although Kasey narrowly avoided elimination, it seems like the momentum against him and Vienna is mounting. Maybe the elimination of his arch nemesis will help the Red Skull regain control of a house that was once his to rule. He definitely isn’t protecting Vienna’s heart the way we expected from the protector of hearts.
Unanswered questions:
Do Blake and Kirk (aka Blirk) see how similar they look? Why does no one discuss this? Does Melissa’s age change each episode? Can someone verify that? Does ABC pay Melissa per breakdown? Per tear? Why is William still here? Will he be able to get his Verizon job back? Has child services been called yet on Ella and Michelle and whoever else has abandonded their infant children to be on the Bachelor Pad? I guess we’ll find out next week…on Bachelor Pad. Also, maybe we’ll find out if Jake “took anyone down with him.”
