I should probably stop calling every episode of True Blood the worst, because it really diminishes what I’m about to say: Sunday night’s episode of True Blood was the worst. It was a dreadful hour of television, full of absurd plot developments, laughable sequences, and the most unbelievable accent since Marnie pulled an Antonia. Seriously, if there were more than three episodes left this season, I would have to weigh the joy I get from writing this column against the agony of watching True Blood.
But why talk about how much I hate this show when we could be talking about sex? Overall, “Let’s Get Out of Here” was a total tease—and I’m not just referring to the almost-glimpses of Jessica’s boobs and Alcide’s wolfdong. No, the biggest offender was Sookie’s awful dream sequence, a mostly nauseating waste of time that didn’t even give us the money shot. Hey, True Blood, if you’re going to build up to a Sookie-Eric-Bill threesome, you’ve got to give us a little more than the vamps double-teaming her neck. Three-way kiss maybe? Just a suggestion.
What was the point of the scene, anyway? (Other than to reinforce the series’ fetish for unsubtle, poorly-shot fantasy sequences.) Sookie told Eric and Bill that she loved them both, which is—as she kind of admitted—a cop-out answer. It also does nothing to move the plot forward, since the actual vampires in question didn’t get to hear the speech. Still, I wouldn’t have minded some good, kinky fun, and it seemed as though we were about to get that. But suddenly Sookie woke up, and I threw my remote at the television, and we both had a good cry.
Not that the scene was particularly sexy up to that point. I’m reminded of the Annie Hall joke: “Two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of ‘em says, ‘Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.’ The other one says, ‘Yeah, I know, and such small portions.’”
Meanwhile, Sam took Luna camping, because having sex in the woods is the hot new thing on True Blood. They did indeed get down in a tent, after Sam let Luna (and the audience) know that he had a separate tent for Luna’s daughter. Still, I hope that kid is a heavy sleeper, because they weren’t exactly keeping it down.
And Jessica and Jason finally did the deed. Good on the two of them for waiting until Jessica was actually single. Bad on Jason for wasting no time in fucking his best friend’s recent ex. And in the back of a truck, you guys—where is the class? The fact that they did it under the stars is only a minor consolation. There’s not much to say about this pairing: the show insists they have some sort of deep sexual connection, as evidenced by their instant coupling, but I’m still not getting anything past, “We’d look even better naked!” No matter. It’s been a long time since True Blood gave a second thought to its characters.
It’s probably obvious that I’m more frustrated than ever with this series, and there are two reasons for that. First, “Let’s Get Out of Here” really was the worst episode of True Blood I’ve seen. Second, because we’re nearing the end of the season, and there’s not a chance in hell they’re going to tie any of this shit together. I never had much faith in the show, but it’s become such a hot mess, I can’t even enjoy it for the gratuitous nudity. So here’s hoping I can somehow tune out the crap over the next few weeks and concentrate solely on the happy humping. Here’s hoping we all can.