• Mon, Aug 22 2011

Lindsay Lohan’s Defamation Lawsuits, In the Order in Which She Should Actually Worry About Them

As further proof that the world revolves around her, Lindsay Lohan has (totally reasonably) just sued yet another person for allegedly smearing her name. Rapper Pitbull‘s new song “Give Me Everything” features a disparaging lyric about LiLo: Hustlers move aside, so I’m tiptoein’, to keep flowin’ / I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan. LiLo says her name is being exploited so someone else can profit. See, it’s only OK if it’s for her own gain. (Or mom Dina‘s.)

The Lohans are notorious about crying wolf at even the smallest joke, so we’ve arranged Lindsay’s cases in order from non-issues to actual problems for her image.

ABOUT AS IRRITATING AS A MOSQUITO BITE: Glee‘s Spanish diss

Speaking of Dina, Lindsay’s momager told the press she was frothing mad last fall when Glee made Lindsay the butt of a joke. When Gwyneth Paltrow‘s substitute teacher is taking over Mr. Schue’s Spanish class, she asks in Spanish, “Lindsey Lohan is totally crazy, right?” (Their misspelling, not ours.) When teaching the kids how to count to five, she offers, “How many times has Lindsay Lohan been to rehab?”

In the realm of defamation, this is nothing. It wasn’t even a creative insult!

YOU’RE KIND OF ASKING FOR IT: Pitbull’s “Give Me Everything” lyrics

Neither Pitbull nor the song’s writers Ne-Yo and Afrojack actually say anything negative about Lindsay’s character. They’re just stating a fact: She has been in jail. Jail cells, one can reasonably assume, are locked. It’s actually a pretty smart play on words, you guys.

THIS MIGHT MAKE GETTING FUTURE JOBS A PROBLEM: The E*Trade “milk-a-holic”

Lindsay actually settled this one for an unspecified amount of money, but the whole case really just made her look like a baby. Ironic, since that’s what she protested: E*Trade’s commercial where two babies were arguing over why the boy baby didn’t call the girl the night before. The girlfriend asks, “Were you hanging out with that milk-a-holic Lindsay?” and on cue, a girl baby pops into view from the boyfriend’s side hiccuping, “Milk-a-what?”

The best part was when Lindsay’s lawyers said that E*Trade violated her rights by using her “name and characterization” without her approval. Imagine a Regina George voice when I say this: So, you admit you’re an alcoholic?

OKAY, THIS COULD MAKE A LOT OF PEOPLE LOOK BAD: Satirical biopic Dogs in Pocketbooks

The Lohans immediately jumped on Dogs in Pocketbooks, a satire of celebrity culture with a specific focus on Lindsay and her disastrous career. While screenwriter Charles Casillo didn’t hide the identity of his “muse” when he first announced the project, the Lohans’ reaction made him backtrack a bit and claim that the main character was a composite of all young, wild Hollywood actresses: Lindsay, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and even going back to Marilyn Monroe.

Unless Lindsay’s people put an injunction on this one, Lydia Hearst Shaw will play the movie’s unhinged starlet heroine.

OH SHIT THIS IS ACTUALLY A PROBLEM: The suits against Lindsay

The lesson here is that Lindsay needs to stop whining to the judges about how her name is being dragged through the mud and focus on the actual shit she’s knee-deep in. As if her arrest in 2007 — for stealing an SUV while under the influence of coke — weren’t bad enough, in 2008 three guys sued her for battery and false imprisonment during her wild ride that night. Lest you think, But that was three  years ago, she’s turned things around, think about this: This past February, spray tan company Tanning Vegas sued Lindsay for an unpaid tanning bill of $25,000.

So right now, her name is already synonymous with “drunken flake.”

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