7) Nudity and Pyromania
And not just any nudity: 12-year-old nudity! Once the train finally passes, Carl appears to be on the other side of the tracks—but trust me, that ain’t Carl, because Carl is busy hanging out with The Dude Underground. This is Evil Carl. Evil Carl leads Andrew to where Andrew believes the girl of him dreams is—except that she’s not, and he ends up flying head first into a pile of manure. Evil Carl gets Andrew to strip, telling him he’ll go get clean clothes for him. Obviously he doesn’t, and Andrew gets attacked by a Rogue Gang of Teenage Girls. He escapes and runs through the town wearing nothing but his skivvies. Not going to lie, I felt kind of dirty watching it. Furthermore, during his naked sprint through town, Andrew manages to nab some clothes off a clothesline. Then the owners of the clothesline, eyes glowing of course, LIGHT A BOAT THAT’S SITTING IN THE YARD ON FIRE. Just because they can. Keep the matches away from your kids; they might get ideas.
8) This Town Is Full Of Assholes
Including Frank Langella. Andrew eventually makes his way to Frank Langella’s funeral home, where Frank is wrapping up a wake. “Good! I’m glad you’re here! We need to talk!” he tells Andrew, before shoving him in the basement so he can go deal with the asshole who doesn’t want to pay for the whole reception part of the wake. The asshole speeds off without paying. Frank Langella eventually lets Andrew out of the basement, ostensibly removing his asshole points; but then we find out that Frank withholding information from Andrew. Remember that story about the twins he told the boys? Well, it turns out that when the two bodies were buried, there was a mix-up. You got it: The evil twin was buried in the cemetery, and the good twin was buried in the middle of nowhere at the end of Cry Baby Lane. Not only that, but—surprise!—Frank Langella was the farmer! What a great way to treat your kids! Also, the image of Frank Langella sawing apart the bodies of two seven-year-old conjoined twins is kind of terrifying. Just sayin’. Anyway, because of the mix-up, Andrew and Carl released the spirit of the evil twin, and that’s what’s currently destroying the town. Nice going, Frank.