(By an anthropologist)
0:30 – The Situation emerges from his cavelike bedroom dragging a blonde woman behind him. He calls Brittany a cab and lies down on a daybed.
1:00 – A pigeon appears. It startles Sitch and he falls off the bed. It’s basically a Hitchcock film.
2:00 – Snooki and Ronnie are bonding because they both like to work out and drink alcohol. They decide to go to the gym. They are 100% compatible on eHarmony.
3:00 – Snooki and Ronnie get hopelessly lost on the streets of Florence. Neither can read a map. They are 100% compatible on JDate.
4:00 – Deena and Sam go out to eat. Deena hits on the waiter. “So you have phone number?”
“Do you want me to have your phone number?”
As they’re walking away, Deena says to Sammi, “He actually speaks well English.” And she would know. Presumably, Deena will call him and then they will go off and discover fire together.
5:00 – Snooki and Ronnie finally find the gym. There’s a creepy old trainer who hits on Snooki. She screams, “I can feel your wiener,” which is English for “prosciutto.”
6:00 – Our specimens go out to the club. Brittany is bringing her twin sister, who is of the exact same make and model.
7:30 – Deena’s waiter friend arrives. They make out and then they invent the wheel.
9:00 – Brittany arrives with her twin, Erica, who is perhaps even blonder. The Situation tells the twins he’s going to take them home later, but that they should leave him alone now. Then he sets off to find another girl, because he is of the species Class Act.
13:00 – The Situation’s new girl ditches him. He decides to go home and call the twins.
14:00 – Deena takes her well-English speaking waiter home. He tells him that she is not an “easy” girl, meaning she spends a lot of time straightening her hair, and says she just wants to cuddle. He understands that means no copulating, on account of speaking well English.
15:00 – The Situation leaves a message for one of his twins, via telephone, and that twin relays it to the other twin, via telepathy.
15:30 – Deena makes out with her waiter in her bed. Vinny gets angry because he wants to go to sleep in the room.
16:00 – Deena becomes enraged. She screams at the males and tells them to leave her alone and let her cuddle with Signore Waiter. Diagnosis: Steroids?!
17:00 – The next morning, the twins call. Ronnie decides to play a prank on Sitch, and it is is that he pretends to be him and invites the girls over. (Note: brilliant prank!)
18:00 – The twins arrive, chewing Doublemint gum. Sitch is surprised to see them, but takes them to breakfast anyway. He speaks about wanting to copulate with the twins. (Note: put an intern on researching the incest habits of Jerseyites.)
25:00 – Sam and Ron go out to a romantic dinner, on a rooftop. Perhaps Ron’s hoping Sammi will jump.
27: 00 – Sam and Ron discuss their relationship and decide to get back together, because this time it will be different. (See: definition of insanity.)
34:00 – It’s back to the club for our specimens. They truly come alive here. Vinny even says, “We’re in Italy right now, in case you’re wondering,” which displays impressive cognitive abilities.
35:00 – Brittany and Erica, the twins, arrive. They have become conjoined over the course of the day, which is an even better threesome fantasy.
36:00 – Deena picks a hotter twin and it’s Erica. (Diagnosis: 20/20 vision.)
37:00 – It comes out that Twin Erica is a virgin. However, she lives vicariously through her sister, and even sometimes watches her copulate. She has learned to experience orgasm this way.
38:00 – Deena moves in on hotter twin Erica. They make out. Deena has stolen Mike’s chick, and the two must now have a peacock-feather face off, which is like a tribal dance, but with body shots.
40:00 – Deena and Erica find their way to Deena’s bed and make out some more. Deena claims to be “bicurious,” which means she’s only gay on days that end with wine.
42:00 – The Situation grooms his peacock feathers.
43:00 – Somehow, Erica has ended up in Vinny’s bed. But how?! Perhaps it was Brittany the whole time.
44:00 – Ronnie tells everyone about how Sitch said that he and Snooki totally hooked up. JWOWW relays this to Snooki. Snooki drops the baton.
45:00 – Deena goes back into her room and retrieves Erica from Vinny’s bed. Erica readily switches. (Diagnosis: Erica is bi-confused.)
49:00 – Snooki is furious. She calls Sitch a liar and claims they never copulated. His peacock feathers begin to fall off, one by one.
51:00 – Deena changes her mind about keeping Erica in her bed. She sends her back to Vinny. Dizzy, Erica vomits.
55:00 – All our specimens are fighting. Snooki and Sitch are opposing Generals, and everyone must choose sides. No one’s coming out of this one alive.
56:00 – Sitch says, “The truth will set you free, Snooki.” (Note: that was the original Biblical quote, although there was an “E” at the end of “Snookie.”)