Good friend of Crushable Kevin Seccia (look how adorable he is!) wrote a hilarious book called Punching Tom Hanks: Dropkicking Gorillas and Pummeling Zombified Ex-Presidents—a Guide to Beating Up Anything. And although I respect Kevin as an able assessor of the strengths and weaknesses of various individuals, I still felt compelled to put his knowledge to the test against my own not unimpressive hypothetical battle skills. So we took to the ring, pitting Friday Night Lights‘ Coach Eric Taylor against three Michael Ceras.
Liana: Well, okay, so obviously Coach Taylor would win, and before I even get to why, let’s consider that Michael Cera — even 100 Michael Ceras — would lose in a fight to anyone ever.
Kevin: Oh Liana… sometimes i wonder if you know even the first thing about fighting multiple Michael Ceras. I say Cera wins. First: because he needs it more right now. He’s kind of faded from the spotlight, been pushed aside by Jesse Eisenberg and other mopey sorts. A win like this puts him right back in the mix.
Liana: Sure, but need can’t outweigh physical and mental deficiencies. Exhibit A: Coach Taylor has a full heart, Michael Cera has a paper heart.
Kevin: Okay, so you’re saying that since Coach Taylor is a grown man, physically strong, and known for coming up with winning strategies, he’d prevail. I agree with you on his strengths but you’re overlooking something. Coach’s main function, his reason for being, even more than winning, is molding vulnerable young boys into men. Boys like Cera! Coach would be far too distracted trying to save this kid to successfully defeat him He’d leave himself open. He’d leave that heart open. That sad turtle demeanor of Cera’s would melt him.
Liana: Hmm, good point. However, to that point, look at Coach Taylor. Just look at him. Who could harm a man like that? Cera, however, is eminently punchable. I’d whack him. His other two hims would whack him.
Kevin: No, they’d be united in their mopery, you have to concede that. They’re all they have in this world!
Liana: Coach Taylor is swift and strong and able, whereas Michael Cera’s deficiencies will be multiplied when there are three of them. They’ll trip over each other.
Kevin: I’d say that constantly being reminded of those deficiencies by two clones mirroring your every flailing gesture would cause you to focus and man up, at least slightly.
Liana: However, the intimidation factor of being up against Coach Taylor would make them crumble. They are not strong-willed, these Ceras.
Kevin: Every time he got them on the ropes, he’d start to pity them, instead of finishing them off he’d order them to go do wind sprints until they sweat through their pastel hoodies. During which time they’d recover. He’d literally be training them to defeat him.
Liana: I think you’re underestimating Coach Taylor’s toughness in the name of necessity. He can be cruel to those boys on his team and he’d be cruel to the Ceras.
Kevin: Three on one is tough odds. If we were talking about two Michael Ceras? No contest, Coach chalks up another victory Dillon Panthers-style. But not three.
Liana: Three Michael Ceras maybe could bench press three ladybugs.
Kevin: Unfortunately for that logic, this isn’t a “can three Michael Ceras bench press three lady bugs?” debate. We are still doing that later though, right?
Liana: Ladybugs vs. caterpillars; it’ll be riveting.
Kevin: Look, I’m not even saying all three Ceras live. In the end, Two Ceras lie dead near a wounded Coach as he whispers some last inspirational words to a squirrel he mistakes for his beloved Matt Saracen, while a lone, queasy and vomiting Cera stands over him. Victorious.
Liana: No, no, no. They’re one entity. They all die together or live together. Otherwise it’s not a victory.
Kevin: What? Is that a new rule
Liana: No, how is that a new rule?
Kevin: Are they physically bonded? Or you mean technicality wise?
Liana: Technicality – you can’t kill off two and still win. Or maybe you can, I don’t know how death works.
Kevin: So all Coach has to do and stop one and he’s got the win? Then, I gotta say, I lean towards Coach. I really would love for him to win. He knows how to come from behind… I just don’t know if he’d have enough in him.
Liana: I think his own worst enemy here is himself. If he can get over himself, he’ll win. So really, it’s a battle between Coach Taylor and Coach Taylor.
Sorry! This poll is now closed.