• Mon, Aug 15 2011

True Blood Sex Recap: Witches and Winter Wonderlands

Hey, remember when we were excited about the Sookie/Eric pairing? (Well, I was, and I assume everyone thinks the way that I do.) True Blood has now done the seemingly impossible and made its hottest couple into its most boring. That’s right, Sookie/Eric is officially duller than Sookie/Bill. And not even a cracked-out V hallucination sex scene can change my mind.

“Spellbound” focused on the war between vampires and witches—which, I’ll be honest, I actually think is kind of interesting. But lest you think I enjoyed a full hour of True Blood, I actually found Sunday night’s episode to be a season low point. And there were multiple shots of Eric’s ass, so that’s saying something.

Sookie and Eric decided to take the next step in their relationship, which—since they already live together—could only mean one thing. That’s right, they shared more blood. Sookie apparently had no reservations about being one with Eric: she dove right into sucking his hand in a scene that must have been very erotically charged for hand fetishists. (I know you’re out there!) Seriously, though, given how repeatedly awful the vampires on this show are, I’m wondering if Sookie doesn’t have amnesia, too. She wants to help them fight the witches? Why the hell would she want that?

But sharing blood allowed for one of the worst sex scenes True Blood has done, with Eric and Sookie transported to a mystical winter wonderland. Yeah, it snowed, not for any particular reason. How romantic, I guess, but I couldn’t stop thinking about frostbite. The sex itself wasn’t that bad, because Eric’s ass and Sookie’s boobs remain all-stars, but the post-coital cuddling was hilariously awful. I’m guessing this couple is going to be wrenched apart in the coming weeks—and not a moment too soon. One more scene of pillow talk and I was going to retch like Tommy after a round of skin-walking. (See how clumsily I shoved Tommy into that paragraph? That’s how the show treats his character!)

If you weren’t satisfied by the awfulness that was Sookie and Eric, Sunday night’s episode was able to ruin another relationship, when Jessica and Hoyt finally split. Now, I don’t have a problem with TV break-ups: these things are necessary to move the plot along, and I’m not enough of a diehard shipper to freak out past maybe some silent tears. But man, did they have to make Hoyt such a dick? I’m not sure what they’re trying to set up here with this arbitrary Jason-Jessica-Hoyt love triangle, but they’ve inadvertently turned the last remaining sympathetic character into a total asshole. “Maybe God really does hate fangs,” Hoyt bellowed. And remember, kids, “fangs” means “fags.”

That’s another thing. The vampires-as-gay-people allegory was especially high in “Spellbound,” and holy crap, it has never irked me more. Here’s the problem: vampires fucking suck. Why are we supposed to feel sorry for these characters or support their rights when they keep killing everything in sight? Sookie may be willing to forget all the badness and snuggle up to her Viking, but it’s absurd to ask the rest of us to do that. Not unless we also get to nuzzle Alex Skarsgard’s abs, you guys. I guess I’m supposed to feel like a homophobic monster, because no, I wouldn’t let a vampire near my kids.

It’s infuriating. Amid all the freaky dream sequences and schmoopy love scenes, True Blood is trying to be an actual show about actual issues—and that offends me more than anything else. Bill’s televised speech about vampires being forced into killing themselves because of ignorance and hate was way too reminiscent of the plague of gay teen suicides. Vampires—it gets better? Not only is the allegory played-out: it’s poorly drawn and seriously offensive. Maybe that’s why the episode left such an awful taste in my mouth. The sex was bad, but the politics were unforgivable.

True Blood: it gets worse.

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  • ALS

    And the Lafayette/Arlene/Baby storyline is annoying. It doesn’t fit at all with the rest of the plot. It’s stupid filler. I could deal without the filler with the werewolf pack too. Debbie should be dead by now.

    The Eric/Sookie pairing in the books is so much hotter. So if you haven’t read them, I highly suggest you do.

  • Megan

    Read the books they’re better and the love stories don’t switch around so much! The TV show doesn’t really stand for anything it’s just loosely giving off the feeling the books do!!! I was horrified when I started to watch the show! Seriously the vampires are all insane and evil there isn’t a good character in the show, books=better, bill and eric are nice guys not sex people maniacs, and no lame pillow talk