‘Jersey Shore’ Field Notes: Return to the Club

(By an anthropologist)

00:00 – The specimens emerge inside their natural habitat, another shitty club with loud music and neon drinks that probably cost as much as a glass of decent scotch at a normal bar, anyway.

2:00 – Deena and Pauly engage in a sophisticated mating ritual. They kiss and Deena bites Pauly’s lip to signify that she’s hungry and would like to eat his face if no food presents itself soon. Deena tells Pauly that they should go back to the house to “hook-up” (normal human vocabulary for “smoosh”), to which Pauly responds, “I know, right?”

2:30 – Our humans engage in an extremely elaborate discussion of whether or not Deena and Pauly should engage in intercourse. Snooki and Pauly talk about it: Snooki thinks they should copulate because Deena has always wanted to do that with Pauly. Pauly says they probably will have intercourse, but is concerned that Deena might have feelings for him. (Note: Might these creatures have feelings? Put an intern on it.) Next, JWOWW and Snooki discuss the situation (note: lowercase), and JWOWW expresses concern. Snooki agrees with JWOWW’s concern. Following that, JWOWW and Deena talk. Deena seems to think that she doesn’t actually have feelings, which means it’s okay for her and Pauly to copulate, even if he ends up treating her terribly afterwards. So much discussion, yet still no meaning of life.

5:00 – Deena falls down.

6:00 – Ronnie places a call to his friend, a woman human named Hannah who lives in the United States. He invites her to come to Italy, via an airplane.

7:00 – Deena falls down.

7:30 – Pauly goes to sleep, which implies that he has decided against copulating with Deena for the time being.

8:00 – Deena tries to fall down into Pauly’s bed. She does not succeed.

10:00 – In the morning, the gang goes shopping for Sunday dinner, a ritual they began in Jersey that involves the consumption of substances other than vodka and Redbull.

11:00 – Deena says she’s proud of herself for not falling down at all the day before. Diagnosis: Perhaps one of those stumbles was harder and more damaging than it initially seemed.

12:00 – Deena and JWOWW decide to cook Sunday dinner, and they get as far as removing chicken cutlets from their packaging.

13:00 – The women take a break from cooking to go out and eat.

14:00 – The creature known as Snooki appears to still be asleep even though the daylight hours are dwindling. Her ability to sleep through whole days yet appear wholly un-depressed is remarkable. It might be the most remarkable thing about her, excepting her hair.

15:00 – Snooki awakes from her slumber and places a call to her boyfriend, Jionni, back home. Jionni appears to be quite upset with Snooki because she went an entire day without calling. Snooki tries to explain that all she did during that day was sleep, but Jionni is still upset, presumably because he can’t possibly believe it to be true. So utterly remarkable are Snooki’s rest habits.

16:00 – The Situation tries to comfort Snooki. This indicates that he has resumed is mating ritual, and is, once again, being more subtle than the male peacock.

19:00 – The specimens receive a phone call telling them that they must report to work at their new job. After some discussion as to the meaning of “job,” the humans depart to the pizzeria where they’ll be employed for the duration of the shoot.

21:00 – Out on the streets of Florence, Sammi spots the Duomo and asks, “Is this the Vatican?” Snooki says, “Yeah, I think so,” and they both agree that it’s beautiful and then don’t pay it another thought. Over at the actual Vatican, the Pope lets out a sigh of relief and goes back to watching “Millionaire Matchmaker.”

23:00 – The specimens receive a tutorial in pizza making. Snooki says that the dough is “soft as a baby’s butt.” It appears Deena remembers the taste of Pauly’s ear and her mouth waters as she imagines eating baby butt.

25:00 – The group returns once again to The Club. The Situation meets a blonde American girl who understands exactly what his peacock feathers are saying. He will end up taking her home.

30:00 – Sam and Ron engage in an elaborate dance with widespread behavioral implications. This involves both of them getting plastered and pretending not to look at one another. Ron hits on ladies; Sammi cries. It’s all very sophisticated.

33:00 – Deena falls down.

34:00 – The Situation has sexual intercourse with the blonde American whose name is Brittany (note: actually the genus name for blonde Americans), and he describes the encounter as a “blow pop.” Presumably that means bubbles were popped at the end of things.

36:00 – The Situation sticks Brittany in a taxi and sends her home.

37:00 – The Situation resumes his Snooki-targeted mating ritual. Evidently he is genuinely in love with her. Snooki rebuffs his advances; it seems she has time for little else in her complicated life besides sleep.

42:00 – Vinny and Ronnie bathe in the jacuzzi together. They make references to homosexual innuendo but do not copulate.

46:00 – The specimens return to their place of absolute comfort, The Club. It’s a very wild night at The Club. Vinny says he feels just like he’s back in Jersey, which studies indicate is typically what people look for when traveling thousands of miles to Europe.

48:00 – Sammi and Ronnie are drunk again. Sam wants to talk but Ron does not; that appears to be something he has difficulty doing, in general. Sam says she misses Ron and wants to go cuddle. Ron says he’d rather copulate with a spiked samurai sword than snuggle with Sammi. Diagnosis: gay?

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    • Jenn L.

      Best. ReCap. Ever.

      • Liana Maeby