It took less than four months, but now there’s an hour-long special devoted entirely to Pippa Middleton, and it’s just as bad as you would think: Stalker-like attention to the details of her childhood, uninformed guesses on her love life and marriage prospects, and hyperbole about her status as a fashion icon and owner of a splendid ass. For Crazy About Pippa, TLC relied on various bloggers, British historians, and the Middletons’ (less attractive) cousin Katrina Darling to blurt out statements as ridiculous as they are patently untrue. Here are our favorites.
“There was almost a gasp across the world — ‘Who is that girl?’” Almost meaning a grunt of surprise from the millions of sleep-deprived Americans who woke up at 2 and 5 a.m. to sit in their pajamas eating cereal and watching the wedding.
“She singlehandedly crashed Twitter! …It’s the first time we know of that it’s ever happened.” For the record, Twitter goes down all the time; how else would we know and love the Fail Whale? We think what they meant to say was, #Pippa or some variation was trending on Twitter. You know, with a bunch of other hashtags.
“We looked at her and realized, This is a lady.” We know that Kate got her fairy-tale wedding and all, but do you really need to be so mean? So, the princess walking down the aisle in the gorgeous Alexander McQueen gown wasn’t a lady?
“We looked at her and realized, Is this a style icon? This is someone who dresses very, very well.” All this based on one dress that she probably didn’t even pick out! The Royal Family probably decided who wore what, and just got Kate’s permission that Pippa could also don white. And OK, so Pippa has proven herself to have excellent fashion sense/a genius stylist in the months since, but to say that you could see all that at the wedding is just unrealistic.
“…the bottom that launched a thousand clicks.” Can we chuck rotten tomatoes at the joker who thought up this “clever” take on the famous Helen of Troy description?
“It was very clever — say, a stroke of genius — to unleash Pippa on the world that way.” The argument is that Kate gets to slide out of the spotlight now that Pippa’s commanded the world’s attention. But is it really possible that the Middletons would have schemed like that? Anyway, that was supposed to be Kate’s special day; not even the reportedly image-obsessed Carole Middleton could want to upstage her own daughter like that.
“I think what Pippa’s done is put a focus on bottoms.” Because Jennifer Lopez, Beyoncé, and Nelly‘s Apple Bottom jeans had nothing to do with that.
“I think the fact that initially she was already being anointed P. Middy across tons of sites was the American way of anointing her as a superstar.” Correction: The blogs using this awful nickname are all from England, Ireland, and India. In America, we like to bestow embarrassing nicknames upon our couples and not individual stars, no matter how great their asses are.