• Tue, Aug 9 2011

Crushable Presents: ‘Bachelor Pad 2′ Superlatives (AKA Welcome To STD Central)

Biggest surprise:

Jake giving Vienna immunity

That plan didn’t work at all. He should have given it to Gia, and she would have voted off the Red Skull and Jake would have had a fighting chance.

Most likely to get laid a lot:

Blake

Seems like he just there to get a little action. And he’s got the nice white teeth and bland personality to do it. Basically, he’s every girl in this house’s dream.

Least likely to get laid:

William.

I think they all know he works at Verizon.

Worst Protector of Hearts:

Kasey

Red Skull is the landslide winner of this award. It’s great to see him moving on from Ali to Vienna without having to get a new tattoo. I totally hate when people try to date someone with a similar name so they don’t have to get another laser surgery. But he completely failed Vienna in not being able to hold her up longer than Jake held up Jackie. Though to be fair, Vienna probably has 15-20 lbs on Jackie minimum. Factoring in gravity, that probably feels more like an extra 200 lbs. Maybe he was too enraged that someone would hurt Vienna’s heart, which we all know hurts his heart and we know he must protect hearts at all costs…except when he’s hanging above a bed. Then when Jake gave her the rose, he messed with Red Skull and Vienna again and hurt her heart, which hurt his heart because well, you know, he has to protect her heart. Poorly.

Badass of the night:

Jake

Surprisingly, he hung tough in the hook up challenge. With everyone in the house hating him and facing sure elimination, he stepped it up and hung tougher than his arch nemesis Vienna and the Red Skull.

Wimp of the Night:

William

In all fairness, he looks to be about 5’2” and 120 pounds. Not sure why he’s here? Clearly the comedy club showed he’s not gonna be bringing the comic relief. Will he at least cry at some point?

Shortest courtship:

Ames and Jackie

Wow, that was quick. They already discussed their future together in New York. Yet, they didn’t partner up.  Hmm.  She actually seems smart and somewhat normal. Hopefully, he doesn’t judge her for not having a genius IQ.

Realest tears:

Gia

This woman is the only one who seems to have genuine emotions. Probably because she’s immature and been abused by guys her whole life.

Reddest face:
Kasey
Not sure how a human can look like that much like the Red Skull. Still miffed by this.

Unanswered Questions of the night:

If Kasey gained 30 lbs of muscle, how much did he weigh before?

Where does Jake buy those fake pilot shirts?

Why do Erica and Vienna look so similar?

Do any of the girls give their real age?

Will Ames be allowed to read books in the house?

Will will learn the answers to these questions this season of Bachelor Pad? We won’t know until we watch a whole season of this shitty show. Until next time, you can reach Matt Ritter on Twitter @mattritter1.

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  • scott

    Hilarious and spot on.