• Tue, Aug 9 2011

Crushable Presents: ‘Bachelor Pad 2′ Superlatives (AKA Welcome To STD Central)

Finally, the moment very few people have been waiting for: the 3 hour season premiere of Bachelor Pad. Shame on you ABC for making us stay up so late on a Monday. Considering that this show is basically an excuse for crazy people to act crazy while hooking up and breaking up with each other over and over again, we’re taking this opportunity to award superlatives for this season’s contestants. Enjoy!

Best Teaser line of the night:

Jake: “You guys came in here with a preconceived notion of who I am.”

What did you expect?  You have been making an ass out of yourself in the public eye for over two years yet have the gall to act like a high school kid who moved to a new town with false rumors flying about why he had to switch schools.

Runner up:

Ella: “I will punch her in the face over and over again until I break her nose.”

Jeez Ella, how many punches would it take to break someone’s nose? It only takes 7 pounds of pressure.

3rd place:

Michael

Here he is crying about a breakup: “It’s worth much more than 250k”
Is he talking about his failed relationship or about a large bag of Nepalese coins?

Most likely to have post-Bachelor Pad relevance:

Michelle Money

Whatever happens on Bachelor Pad, the world needs more of her. She’s hot and crazy and a fame hound. I’m not really sure why we can’t just officially make her a Kardashian sister. Would anyone object to that?

Best Feud:

Kasey and Jake

This night was all about the two wanna be tough guys. Kasey (aka the Red Skull from Captain America) came out guns blazing with a nice scripted punchline:

“I gotta take a Jake and wipe my Pavelka.”

Too bad they are both completely non-violent, fake tough guys. How do I know they are not tough? Because Kasey said if he had the chance he’d kick Jakes ass. There’s really nothing stopping him. Instead he went with “I’m mentally beating the crap out of him.” And of course Jake–not to be outpansied–said he was “afraid for his safety.” Lame.

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  • scott

    Hilarious and spot on.