Liana: Speaking of, can’t wait for the second single, “Moves Like Richards.” The video takes place on a toilet.
Kasey: Where Levine just slumps over various green room coffeetables as a hologram of Charlie Watts unties a scarf from his left arm and tries to wake him up in time for the gig?
Liana: And Johnny Depp lurks in the background, copying his every move. I think Levine should have to fuck the last woman Keith Richards fucked.
Kasey: Careful, it’s probably Depp’s wife. Or Jagger’s daughter.
Liana: Or Depp.
Kasey: Also, who is the intended audience for this song? Maroon 5 fans don’t give a shit about “moves like Jagger,” right? They just need something to listen to between Black Eyed Peas tours.
Liana: Really, this song should have been, “Moves Like Donovan.”
Kasey: I would listen to that song if it was just a freeze-frame of Donovan’s face when Dylan starts playing “It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue” in Don’t Look Back.
Liana: Oh, Levine should have to fuck Joan Baez! I’m not sure how I got there.
Kasey: Interestingly, I was just saying to someone that when Joan Baez goes to hell, she will have to listen to the original, decent versions of all the songs she’s ruined over the years. But that’s neither here nor there. Is this video self-parody?
Liana: I don’t think it’s self-parody, but as karaoke goes, it’s definitely a commitment.
Kasey: Teaming up with Alicia Keys to ruin “Wild Horses” was not enough, now he’s dedicated an entire video to disgracing Jagger.
Liana: To be fair, The Rolling Stones ruined “Wild Horses.”
Kasey: The way Levine is mugging at the camera, I expect he’ll be taking Jon Krasinski’s role on “The Office” next season.
Liana: “Moves Like Halpert.” It’s a lip dub. I get the feeling Levine has employed the term “sticky fingers” after fingering a waitress in the bathroom of Mel’s Diner.
Liana: Exile from Banana Republic.
Kasey: Exile on Vain Street.
Liana: First one of us to say “Exile on Heinous Street” dies.
Kasey: Will you leave me your Who the Fuck Is Adam Levine shirt?
Liana: Make that shirt for me, and underneath it will be the Stones’ logo with a lip piercing and a herpe on the tongue.
Liana: In conclusion: Paint It, Maroon. Or don’t, I don’t know. I’m going to go take a nap and pretend I never saw this.
Here’s that “Beast of Burden” video Kasey was talking about’: