Maroon 5 just released their new video for the song “Moves Like Jagger,” which has Adam Levine comparing himself to none other than the legendary Mick himself — and it’s enough to make a person gather up all their records and throw them in a bonfire while “Rocks Off” plays from a boombox at full volume. Understandably upset, I enlisted the Gchat account of Kasey Anderson, a terrific musician in his own right, to help me make sense of the video. I’m not sure either of us managed to do that.
Liana: Question: Adam Levine has moves like Jagger. Yes/no?
Kasey: No. I mean, I can’t imagine he does. I haven’t ever witnessed Adam Levine’s “moves,” but I don’t know that anyone has moves like Jagger. That particular shimmy is pretty distinctive.
Liana: Wait, you haven’t watched the video? Kasey, the point of this thing is that we are suppose to talk about the video.
Kasey: I was kind of hoping I could just talk about it in the abstract. But I guess this is not a freshman year philosophy class.
Kasey: This video is marked “explicit!” I will NOT look at Adam Levine’s inner thighs.
Liana: Don’t worry, there is a single woman’s breast. That’s all that’s explicit about it.
Kasey: Is the video just old Stones footage? Listening to it with the sound off, so far it’s gre–NEVERMIND.
Liana: Here’s how I’ll describe Adam Levine’s “moves”: You know how you’re at like someone’s house party and the lights are a little too bright but everyone’s kind of drunk and Chromeo or some shit comes on? And your buddies start to dance, and it’s totally fine, it’s cute, but then you look at their faces and they all have that, “I’m so sexy I appear to be in pain!” expression and you just feel kinda bad for them?
Kasey: Levine is barely moving at all (I have had to look away thirteen times in three-minutes-and-twenty-four-seconds so far). Far as I can tell, one or two of the women in costume are able to approximate Jagger’s moves. Is he saying, “Kiss me through your junk?”
Liana: I believe he’s saying, “Kiss me til you’re drunk,” which seems to me to qualify as a form of date rape. “My tongue is made of Rohypnol!”
Kasey: This is the dancing equivalent of the worst Austin Powers impression I have ever heard.
Liana: It’s like a 10-year-old Russell Brand trying to impersonate Freddie Mercury.
Kasey: “Kiss me ’til you’re drunk” is only slightly less nonsensical than “Kiss me through your junk,” which actually will end up as a Stones lyric, at some point.
Liana: Should we tell Levine that having Jagger’s “moves” implies a sex addiction?
Kasey: I think it’s telling that Jagger wouldn’t appear in the video. This is the same man who willingly took a pie in the face for Bette Midler’s cover of “Beast of Burden.”
Liana: Guess who was responsible for supplying the footage? Ding! Ding! Jagger! He has sanctioned the video. Which is basically like ME having a mid-life crisis.
Kasey: Yeah, but sending over a clip package of Stones stuff is a far cry from dancing alongside this tattooed ponce.
Liana: Hey, have you seen his, “Who the fuck is Mick Jagger?” shirt?
Kasey: Yeah, there’s a very famous picture of Keith Richards wearing that shirt.