‘True Blood’ Sex Recap: Blondes Have More Sex

Wow, Sunday night’s True Blood was pretty steamy, huh? The continuation of Sookie and Eric’s naked forest romp was sexy stuff, undercut only by the bonerkiller that is Fiona Shaw’s ridiculous Spanish accent. Seriously, who thought this was a good idea?

But I’m not here to talk about True Blood’s overstuffed plot. I’m here to talk about its overstuffed—well, I’m here to talk about the sex. Alcide and Debbie were lucky enough to stumble on Sookie and Eric getting down under the moonlight. I actually think they lingered a bit longer than was appropriate, but hey, can you blame them? Then the two blondes took things to Sookie’s house, where they had sex on her carpet, her couch, and her bed—in a myriad of exciting new positions! I like to imagine Bill watching all of this (because I am a sadist) and realizing how boring his Sookie sex was in comparison. Seriously, it’s no contest.

On the other hand, the long-awaited coupling is nowhere near as interesting as it should be. Yeah, they look good naked, but why does amnesiac Eric have to be such a goddamn bore? Not to mention the fact that Sookie was a lot more interesting when she was showing some backbone and spurning his advances. Now she’s back to fawning over another vampire, and their puppy love schtick is getting old fast. More softcore porn, fewer Hallmark sentiments. And if they want to kink things up with some blood play or maybe a third partner (the ghost of Godric??), I would not mind at all.

As for the other couples—what other couples, amirite?—Tara and Naomi ended their incredibly well-developed relationship. Sure, I get that Tara doesn’t want her lady hurt, but they made a big deal about Tara’s exciting new lesbian romance and we got, what, two mini-sex scenes and a smattering of angst? Weak. Maybe Naomi will be back. I don’t really care at this point, but if this was the extent of Tara’s same-sex exploration, then color me unimpressed. (I’ll say it again: Tara/Pam. Give me a reason to like this show again.)

Luna and Sam had an awkward interaction, until they quickly realized they’d been duped by Sam’s brother. That Tommy! Rapin’ women and wearin’ someone else’s skin! I was really hoping Sam would kick the shit out of him while Luna stomped on his nuts, but instead he just got yelled at and told to get gone. Given that Tommy has no business being on this show, I hope he really does disappear for good. And here’s hoping Marshall Allman makes it onto a better smutty series, so he can be naked and have some actual plot to work with.

Elsewhere, Jason continued to fantasize about Jessica, ‘cause whatever. They’re pretty together, and I truly hope Jessica isn’t dead next week—she’s one of the few characters I’d actually mourn—but I still don’t get where this sudden obsession is coming from. I suppose it would be nice to see Ryan Kwanten having some consensual sex this season. Speaking of, I appreciated the way Hoyt brought up Jason’s rape and addressed it seriously. You’re the best, Hoyt.

Oh, and we got a quickie sex scene between Alcide and Debbie. There’s werewolf drama on the show, too, in case you forgot. Can’t say I minded the eye candy, though. And frankly, Joe Manganiello’s abs are far more nuanced than anything True Blood has done in the past couple years. Might as well just air an hour of that every week. Think of the ratings! And we wouldn’t have to hear Fiona Shaw’s terrible accent ever again.

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    • Netsanet T.

      I have to agree with you, Fiona Shaw’s accent was horrible, just horrible. It just didn’t work. I miss Sookie and Eric’s old relationship, but you are right again, Sookie and Bill were hella boring. Hopefully, Jess survives next week.

    • Sarah

      Jason drank Jessica’s blood when she and Hoyt found him on the side of the road. Once a human drinks a vampire’s blood, they become bound to that vampire and begin to fantasize about them (remember the hot Eric-Sookie scenes we got when he tricked her into drinking his blood?). So the attraction isn’t coming from outta nowhere.