No, we can’t take credit for this cheeky commentary on the Harry Potter series; it was Global Comment who came up with this fake tribute for the alternate universe in which Joanne Rowling (not having to hide behind her initials) introduced the world to young, motivated witch Hermione Granger and her sidekicks Harry and Ron. And what a different world it is…
Dumbledore comes out during the actual series. Instead of Rowling dropping the news of Dumbledore’s sexuality at a reading, the Hogwarts headmaster would fall in love with “a young man” (a student??) in the third book, Hermione Granger and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
Other girls get their due. With Hermione such a shining standard of a strong female protagonist, we see Professor McGonagall, the shallow Lavender Brown, and the kooky Luna in a new light: These women are resourceful, believe in their convictions, and can take care of themselves in a battle. Even Ginny Weasley — who we don’t have much affection for these days — becomes an actual character!
Magical creatures are considered equals. Instead of Hermione being the only person valiantly fighting for S.P.E.W., she inspires the other Hogwarts students to free the house-elves from their slavery early on, which leads to other subjugated creatures realizing they can stand up for themselves.
The Boy Who Lived is a pain in our asses. So he avoided a dark wizard’s curse when he was a baby — big whoop, Harry! This “failed love interest,” as they so hilariously describe him, stomps around Hogwarts sulking and has to constantly be saved by Hermione. And why is this? Because Harry is every cliche that Rowling threw out the window in a first draft before landing on the perfect heroine, Hermione.
Harry is not particularly bright or studious; he’s provided with an endless supply of gifts and favors; he’s the heir to no less than two huge fortunes; he’s privileged above his fellow students, due to his fame for something he didn’t actually do himself; he even seems to take credit for “Dumbledore’s Army,” which Hermione started. Of course this character is obnoxious.
Hermione gets the happy ending she deserves. We’re all fans of Rupert Grint, but we’d be lying if we said that our eyes hadn’t wandered over to Matthew Lewis as he revealed his hotness in the weeks leading up to Deathly Hallows, Part 2. In this alternate universe, Neville gets the recognition he deserves earlier on in the series, when Hermione tires of Ron and Harry’s immaturity and decides to give Mr. Longbottom a chance.
Fan fiction writers, perk up — here’s your chance to recapture the magic of the books now that the movies are over (sniff) and make this fake review come true! We’ll be checking FanFiction.net for the first installment of Hermione Granger and the Sorcerer’s Stone, so get writing!