• Tue, Jul 19 2011

Love Lessons from ‘The Bachelorette’: You Aren’t a Jealous Stalker If You’re Hot

We’re down to four guys, which means it’s time for hometown dates. In case you forgot who the four remaining guys were, Ashley reminds us about Beneff, Constantine, Ames, and JP. I have to say – Ashley did a good job choosing her final four. They’re not all going to be on the cover of Men’s Health next week, but they’re all nice and sweet and capable of using adverbs properly.

Cut to Ashley at home in Philadelphia, packing her stuff to get ready for the first hometown date. Hi, Ashley’s cute yippy dog!

Learn to pronounce Mom and Dad’s names properly.

First up: Constantine!

I think he says they’re in Georgia. Ashley has some kind of red string tied around her wrist, and as far as I know she hasn’t been to the Western Wall lately, so maybe it’s just some kind of ugly bracelet or something I missed from one of the Asian stops. In case anyone had doubts about Constantine’s Greekness, his parents’ names are Dimitri and Eleni and his sister’s name is Maria. Ashley repeats them a couple of times, and as the owner of an unusual name that people mispronounce all the time, I appreciate her commitment to getting them right. His family owns a restaurant called Giorgio’s. Constantine admits it may seem weird for a Greek family to run an Italian restaurant, but they’re just committed to working hard and making good food. And cue the free publicity for the restaurant.

Cut to Ashley trying her hand at making a pizza, with Constantine’s help. He tells her to add her favorite ingredients and she tries to dump Constantine into the pan. I love when Ashley tries to be funny. Tries. Then they make a salad and once the meal’s complete they go out to one of the tables to eat it. They kiss, and what seems to be Constantine’s entire extended family is watching from the kitchen and cheering. Ew. I don’t need my relatives to cheerlead for me on dates.

Love means the recapper staring at the cute white dog.

Constantine and Ashley pull up at his parents’ house, where there’s a huge WELCOME HOME NSTANTINE sign and blue and white balloons. (Blue and white! Because they’re Greek!) Dad Dimitri voiceovers that Constantine looks really happy, and there’s a majorly adorbs white fluffy dog in the house, which means I will not pay attention to anything else while there is a puppy on screen. Ashley voiceovers that she wants a family as close-knit as theirs. They eat lamb chops and Eleni talks about how much she missed Constantine, and I have seriously missed syrupy Southern accents like hers. She sounds like my aunt.

Eleni voiceovers that it’s easy to feel like you’re falling in love when you’re on exotic trips, but she grills Ashley (like a lamb chop … man, I am hungry now) about whether she’s planning to relocate. Because Ashley is a dentist (well, a dental student, but whatevs) she can move anywhere pretty easily, and she says she’s willing to move. She also says that she already likes Constantine’s family and wants to be part of something like that. Ashley is pretty guileless, so I believe her. They then toast each other. Ashley thanks Eleni for being so open – isn’t that what she says about every guy on this show?

While Eleni’s talking to Ashley, Dimitri talks to Constantine. He says that they’ve been married for 33 years, and that marriage requires work, but it should be magical at first. When they all reunite, Ashley announces she wants to move in. Whether that’s because of Constantine or because of Eleni’s food, I’m not sure. Suddenly, there’s a surprise: Constantine’s entire family shows up and crashes the party Big Fat Greek Wedding-style. That includes dancing, of course, because my Jewish family always busts out the hora in our living room whenever our brother’s reality show girlfriend comes to visit.

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  • whit

    I would have loved to see Ames make it to the fantasy suite.

  • kelly

    these articles are my favorite part of watching this show. so funny. nice work!

  • Whatever

    Who is the jealous stalker? That’s the headline and I still can’t figure out who – JP? Where was he a stalker? Talk about misleading bait and switch.