I think Felton summed it up best: “Sex is kinda gross, but it feels good, don’t it?” Oh, Felton. You were a total douchebag, and I’m glad that Jason stabbed you dead. Still, you tell it like it is. Sex is one of the most disgusting things that we continue to do willingly, and it’s always refreshing to hear someone point that out. But Sunday night’s episode of True Blood wasn’t nearly as icky as last week’s. Well, for the most part.
You know, for all the horror of Jason’s Hotshot situation, he seems to be handling things reasonably well. When he’s about to do sex (his words) with a young girl—who threatens to cut off his penis, like you do—Jason gives her a lecture about the importance of waiting till you’re ready. It was a surprisingly tender moment amid the awfulness of his plight. He also referred to getting raped, which I appreciated. Let’s call a spade a spade, OK? I was surprised by how few True Blood recaps described Crystal mounting an unconscious Jason as rape, or seemed to express any qualms about how the series handled it. But I digress.
Everything else in “I’m Alive and on Fire” was significantly more pleasant—and since I already got on my soapbox last week, I guess we can move along to the eye candy. This episode gave us plenty of naked, mostly in the form of Alcide “I Don’t Wear Underwear” Herveaux and Eric “I Am a Golden God” Northman. No, we didn’t see the goods, but we did see that Joe Manganiello spends all his waking hours doing crunches. Plus, lots of homoerotic growling (actual growling!) between the two naked dudes vying for Sookie’s attention. Get a room, you guys. Invite Sookie. Party!
But seriously, can we take another moment to reflect on Manganiello’s body? It is unreal. He’s so sculpted, I actually have to avert my eyes. It’s like, eat a donut, man.
Anyway, Sam and Luna continued their almost-fling or whatever, though “I’m Alive and on Fire” saw the two playing house instead of getting sweaty. Turns out Luna has a daughter (and a crazy werewolf ex), which means she can’t just drop everything and have sex with Sam when he shows up unannounced. I guess it was cute seeing Sam play with a kid, but I don’t care enough about this pseudo-relationship to watch the two show off their parenting skills. Sex first, then kids. Come on now.
I wish Sookie and Eric would just do it already, too. They almost kissed this week, but Bill had to go and interrupt that. I’ve always found Bill to be the duller of the two vampires, and I’ve waited with growing impatience to be rid of him so Sookie and Eric could have pretty blonde-person sex. Now, finally, Sookie’s single and taking care of unusually sweet (amnesiac) Eric. Then Bill arrives and mucks it all up as usual. What about my needs?
Speaking of Bill, my favorite “WTF” moment in Sunday night’s ep was the revelation that Portia Bellefleur is Bill’s great-great-great-great-granddaughter. I feel like after that many generations, it’s not really incest anymore, but the looks on their faces were priceless. That’s what you get for making sex boring, Bill and Portia. True Blood will not stand for it.