True Blood Sex Recap: Nice Breasts, Luna

Hey, guys, you like nudity? True Blood’s got your nudity right here. Sunday night’s episode “You Smell Like Dinner” didn’t have a whole lot of sex, but there were ample boobs and bare behinds. Plus a whole lot of biting, which in the True Blood universe should probably count as third base.

I mean, we can’t pretend that there’s nothing appealing about Jason Stackhouse tied to a bed—especially when the episode opens with Timbo licking his bloody head. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate the licking,” Jason says, “’cause I do.” Hotshot has really softened the guy up. He’s not exactly thrilled to be a prisoner, but I’d say he’s taking it pretty well. And Crystal is back in the equation, sniffing all up on her sweaty boo. As she explains, they’re going to make a baby—and imagine my delight when Crystal and Felton both started disrobing in front of Jason.

But no, wacky threesome averted. Apparently Crystal and Felton just want to turn Jason into a werepanther so he can make little werepanther cubs. (Which, do yourself a favor and Google “panther cubs.” You’re welcome.) It’s not like Crystal and Felton taking bites out of Jason wasn’t erotically charged, though: “You Smell Like Dinner” was all about the conflation of food and sex. In Bon Temps, people are good for both.

Meanwhile, Eric continues his conquest of Sookie, who remains awfully stubborn for someone who’s seen Eric shirtless. Then again, he didn’t really step up his seduction game this week. I don’t know if “Your blood tastes like freedom” was supposed to make Sookie’s loins melt, but it did nothing for either of us. On the other hand, the scenes between Sookie and Eric are doing a great job of upping the sexual tension, so that if (when!) these two finally fall into bed together, the results should be earth-shaking. And hopefully Eric will stop saying dumb shit, like calling Sookie’s blood “sunshine in a pretty blonde bottle.” Not cute.

Incidentally, Sookie and Bill are still on the outs, and I am super OK with that. Apologies to any True Blood fans rooting for their undying love. I guess Bill is nailing Katerina, the informant he had inside the coven, but I’ve gotta say, I was not impressed by his moves. You’d think a vampire could do a little better than missionary style. Not to mention the fact that he dropped everything when Sookie showed up at his front door. You can’t just stop mid-coitus because an ex needs a favor.

You know what was much hotter? The flashback to a 1982 Brit punk Bill sucking blood from a (male!) bartender in an alley. That scene was fraught with way more homoerotic tension than whatever boring shit goes on in Lafayette and Jesus’ bedroom. Biting is where it’s at. See also: Jessica finally giving in to her bloodlust with some random at Fangtasia. Not happy to see her cheating on Hoyt, who took several punches in defense of his vampire sweetie, but hey, she’s got needs, too.

The other new pairing to be aware of is Sam and fellow shifter Luna, both of whom got naked for our viewing pleasure. We still haven’t seen Sam’s kibbles and bits, but—and this is from a gay man’s purely aesthetic point of view—Luna has gorgeous breasts. I would have loved to see a bit more animal passion between these two, but instead we got a few scenes of Luna enticing Sam with double entendres that bordered on single. (“I really want to let you in”? Come on now.) Ah, well. The show may not have treated us a much full-on sex this week, but it did offer plenty to chew on.

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