Love Lessons from ‘The Bachelorette’: Once Again, Bentley Sucks

ABC’s grand experiment in humiliating Ashley Hebert continues on another week. In case you missed the 1,200 other recaps, the episode opens with a quick recap of the Bentley situation. Ashley voiceovers about this week’s location, Hong Kong, but she segues into talking about Bentley and that godforsaken dot dot dot again. In case you didn’t catch the foreshadowing, Bentley is going to be in this episode. Bentley! Bentley.

The best way to get over an ex is to talk about them all the time.

Ashley voiceovers that she won’t be able to find love with any of these guys because she still has feelings for Bentley. Chris Harrison comes in and they have a dumb conversation about Bentley for the billionth time. Chris tells Ashley that Bentley is in the hotel and “has literally flown halfway around the world” (aka, “let the producers fly him halfway around the world”) to come talk to her. Chris encourages her to push Bentley for answers and not to let him be vague. I think Chris kind of hates Bentley. He leaves Ashley with Bentley’s room number and Ashley stares at it for what feels like half the episode before finally going down there. Their interaction is super awkward, maybe because Bentley is a psychopath or because Ashley has finally started to cotton to the fact that he’s a psychopath. Ashley says that the “dot dot dot” thing is not fair because it leaves things too open. Just when I think she’s starting to wise up, she admits that he came into her life for a reason and that she doesn’t know where things stand. Bachelorette conversations are always so weird – they have to talk about relationships all the time, but they use these dumb catchall phrases like “connection” and “process” that don’t actually mean anything, either because they don’t want to say something they’ll regret later or because the camera makes them uncomfortable. Bentley dances around saying that he and Ashley have no future, and Ashley hilariously says “So, this is our period.” Then she gets annoyed with Bentley and tells him he needs to man up. She brings up what Michelle told her about Bentley before the show and admits that she is starting to think Michelle is right. “You came all the way here when you could have just talked to me on the phone?” she asks. This is one of those moments where the answer (“I wanted a free trip”) is something they can’t talk about because it exposes the artifice of the show and the fact that there are people working on it behind the scenes. In her voiceover, Ashley says she’s “done” with Bentley and that she should have realized he sucked from the beginning.

You have to try new things.

Lucas gets the one-on-one date, leaving Blake and Ryan as the only ones who haven’t one on ones yet. Lucas voiceovers that Hong Kong is really cool and he has never been to a big city before – not even New York. The other guys very cutely call him Big Tex. Ashley takes Lucas to a big loud shopping area, which she describes as pretty typical Hong Kong. They try some random different foods from the market, one of which is intestines. Ashley voiceovers that she’s not thinking about Bentley … which kind of means she’s thinking about him. Ashley and Lucas go on a boat ride down the water and have dinner on it. Ashley asks the producer-chosen “What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever been through?” question, which segues into Lucas talking about the fact that he’s divorced. He invokes G-d a couple of times while explaining that they were just wrong for each other, and admits that Ashley isn’t the sort of girl he has dated in the past but that that’s a good thing. Ashley later offers him the rose, and they finally kiss. Ashley voiceovers that the date was super romantic and that she likes how Lucas makes her feel safe and protected, and she compliments his “manlihood.” (Heh.)

You should be willing to humiliate yourself in front of strangers if you want to find love.

On the group date, the guys go Dragon Boat racing. The teams are Beneff/Constantine, Blake/Ryan, and Ames/Mickey. However, each team needs at least eight people, so they have to go recruit random people from Hong Kong to help them. Ryan and Blake find someone who can help them by translating. Mickey and Ames find a dude who has won a dragon boat race before and then decide to recruit couples since it saves time. Cut back to Blake and Ryan. Blake voiceovers that Ryan is annoying and that his energy is over the top. Constantine and Beneff’s strategy was to put on these awesome red kimonos, and after that it was way easier to recruit people.

Dragon boats are kind of like very long canoes painted red with curls up on the ends. There’s a lot of rowing and yelling, and I wonder if any of these dudes ever did crew. Ashley is a terrible coxswain and keeps hitting some drum the whole time. Although it’s close, Ames and Mickey’s team pulls out a win. They get a gold trophy shaped like a dragon. Near the spot on the beach where they all finish up, a couple gets engaged. Ashley awws. Mickey is getting more voiceovers tonight than he has the rest of the series combined, which either means he’s getting a rose or he’s going to flame out spectacularly.

Always carry mints when you make out with multiple people in the same night.

Cocktail party time! Ames and Ashley take an elevator up to the top of the building, and he sneaks a kiss on her. Ashley mentions how much she loves the Hong Kong skyline for the fifteenth time this episode. I wonder if she gets royalties from the Tourism Board or something. Next, she makes out with Beneff. How much time elapses between sucking face with different people? Does she brush her teeth? Because that’s gross. Beneff is officially the first one to use the L-word this season, voiceovering about how cool it would be to get a rose from “the girl I love.” Post face-sucking, Beneff and Blake play pool and complain about how annoying Ryan is and how they hope Ashley catches onto it. That probably means she will in like five episodes. Cut to Ashley and Ryan talking to each other. He asks if he can have the next one on one date, which is ballsy but kind of welcome on this show where everyone is vague about everything. As if on cue, Ryan gets the rose from Ashley. In the other room, all the other guys are majorly icked out. Mickey says that if he had been Ryan’s boat partner he would have drowned himself. Beneff voiceovers that he is bummed out about Ashley choosing Ryan but that she’s seen less of him than all the guys have.

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