• Wed, Jun 15 2011

Fan Fiction: Jinger Duggar’s Secret Escape Diary

Jinger Duggar is the most subversive of the J-monikered child army on TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting.” Someone managed to smuggle us a copy of her diary, which was filled with instructions about how to escape her family’s compound. We’ve posted an excerpt below and are also raising funds for her midnight helicopter rescue.

I don’t even know why I keep this diary anymore. Every day is exactly the same: take care of my younger sibling “buddies,” do laundry for 20+ people, wait out of camera range for Ma to hand me the baby after she finishes her photo op, go over to Josh and Anna’s to help her cook dinner. Ever since I figured out Pa wouldn’t frisk me when I went into my required half hour a day in the prayer closet, I started sneaking this diary in. I wish the lighting was better, though. They don’t think I can write, so they wouldn’t suspect, but I’m scared that one of the other kids will find this diary. I hid it in the laundry room since no one else ever goes in there but it might be safer to keep it outside the house. If I could ever leave the house.

The older girls and I have been talking about escaping. Well, not Jill, since she’s a suckup and likes being on The Today Show every time Ma pops out another one, but with Meredith leaving I think our days over there are numbered. Ever since that time we were doing interviews and I accidentally used the word “if” when talking about getting married I’ve been ordered to keep my mouth shut on camera. Ma thinks I should spend more time thinking about Jesus. I pretended she meant Jesus the guy who mows our neighbors’ lawn and sometimes takes his shirt off. If I could ever be by myself for more than thirty seconds at a time, I would definitely think about him. But Jana, Jessa, and I have talked about what we would do if we ran away. Sometimes I think that Ma and Pa would kill our buddy siblings in order to teach us a lesson, but more likely the buddies would die because my parents haven’t taken care of a baby in fifteen years. They even hired someone to paint a baby doll to look like my sister Josie in case she dies and we have to keep the TV show going. Ma wasn’t sure about the idea at first but Pa gave her another one of those yellow pills and then she started talking in her baby robot voice and everything went back to normal.

I guess if I ran away I’d want to go to somewhere huge and exotic and glamorous like Little Rock or even Oklahoma City. Ma and Pa went to some of those places on their book tour but I had to stay and make sure everyone ate their tator tot casserole. I tried to put a couple of the yellow pills in the casserole so all the little boys would calm down for awhile, but Ma took them all with her. It is nice when she’s away, though, because I can take a break from charting her menstrual cycle on the wall calendar and sometimes Jessa will help me crimp my hair. When I am a high fashion model in Oklahoma City I will pay somebody to crimp my hair for me, and I will paint my toenails red despite the fact that it’s Satan’s favorite color. And I will go to a real church that isn’t in a basement. I told Pa that I was claustrophobic and couldn’t handle the basement anymore, but he didn’t fall for it and I had to do double babysitting duties that week. Good thing they’re still paying us thirteen cents an hour for those jurisdictions, because the extra babysitting took my secret escape fund up to twelve dollars and 37 cents. That’s almost enough to buy a bus ticket and my own crimper. I don’t want to take Jessa’s when I leave; she might want to keep it.

The only problem would be missing my sisters. Most of the other kids are just a big hungry mob who needs their diaper changed all the time, but Jessa and Jana and I have stuck together the last few years. We might have to wait for a chance and all run away together. Jessa wants to be a photographer and Jana wants to marry someone from a crazy religion like Presbyterianism or Lutheranism. Ma and Pa would never allow that. In fact, they don’t want her to get married at all because then she’d have to move out and have her own babies, and then who would handle making breakfast and packing the bus every day? Last week in Bible class Pa told us about the Garden of Eden. Maybe I’ll try to get there. I bet they don’t even have bunk beds.

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  • km

    I’m still/will be waiting for the day when one of the J’s come home and tell Ma and Pa that they are pole dancers!

  • Amanda Moutinho

    FTW. lol

  • Kate Kack

    Statistically they HAVE AT LEAST ONE GAY CHILD! Wonder how they will deal with that!!!!!!!!!

  • chris

    I’m waiting for her to get knocked up again and die during pregnancy or childbirth

  • Janette

    I got on this website to see how the duggar family was doing after the sad loss if their unborn baby and I know better than to read these stupid tweets. But I did and I can’t help but comment…first, the obviously false diary of Jingers is so wrong…whoever write it will answer for it someday. I personally know these people and they are not abusers, molesters or anything you portrayed them to be in your story. I don’t think anyone is entitled to an opinion unless they know them personally. And if you knew them you definitely wouldn’t think that. What I think is funny is that people like you obviously don’t have a life if you have to get on here to write about every hot topic there is. You’re probably one of the ones that post that you just took a crap on Facebook. Get a life and stay out of innocent people’s

    • Deanna

      Janette… SERIOUSLY?

      Perhaps you should read the first line again…

      Fan Fiction: Jinger Duggar’s Secret Escape Diary

      You do know what FICTION is right?

      If you are such a good friend why would you need to read about them on “Crushable.com” also, maybe pass along to the people you personally know that the next child that dies while inside or trying to come out of Michelle… THEY can answer for.

  • Stephen

    Statistically (gay comment) that would make sense if….

    Being Gay was by chance

    If I raised my child teaching them that they could marry a human or a tree. Their is a chance they would choose a tree.

    If we make being gay seem normal or okay then guess what, when people feel rejected by the opposite sex they will resort to “being gay”.

    Thanks

    God Bless

  • DYLAN

    How does this have NO comment! It was hysterical! please make another!

  • Caroline

    This is hilarious. Would read again.