5 Ways to Make a Cabbage Patch Kids TV Movie Not Suck

The Cabbage Patch Kids, either the most coveted toys of your childhood or the stuff of your adolescent nightmares, are returning to the small screen. THR reports that a production company has bought the rights to the human-like dolls and will be creating an animated TV movie. Already we think this is a terrible, scraping-the-bottom-of-the-barrel sort of idea since most of the intended audience won’t even know what these dolls are. But as Jesus might have said, “Lord, if this bad movie has to happen, your will be done.” Here are a few general rules to keep the TV special from making us claw our eyes out.

1. Avoid any sort of live-action movie. Reports say that the movies will be animated, and all I can say is thank God. We do not need a repeat of this uncanny-valley level of horror:

2. Have CPK celebrities, like these Obama and Sarah Palin dolls! This might be a way to bridge the divide between those who remember the dolls themselves, and potential viewers who were born 5-10 years after the toys faded into obscurity.

3. No witty pop-culture references… One of my biggest pet peeves with animated series that are so precious with their “snappy” dialogue and just wind up making viewers cringe with how out-of-touch they actually are. If I hear a CPK call something “epic” or acknowledge “Friday,” I will pull out my gun.

4. …Except for acknowledging their popularity, that is. What I would be interested in seeing is a Toy Story bent, where the Cabbage Patch Kids deal with being yesterday’s entertainment, now gathering dust on a shelf. Another point of reference: The Muppets. They’re the masters of meta movies that aren’t grating.

5. Beanie Babies as the villains! It’ll be like Angry Birds, with ’80s toys battling their ’90s successors.

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